I don't know

My introduction to Prayers of the People on Sunday:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase I don't know.  I met a little 3 1/2 year old the other day who was really good at saying I don't know, which I was really impressed with!  3 year olds are of course good at saying "no," but I've mostly been around toddlers who will either stare blankly at me if they don't the answer to something or will bullshit and make up some wild and entertaining answer. 

But this little girl was very bright and if she did know the answer to my questions, she would tell me in long, clear sentences.  But if she didn't know, she confidently stated, "I don't know."

This really stuck out in my mind . . .because I am one of those people, like a lot of humans, that wants to know!!  It gives me a false sense of control in this crazy life on planet Earth.  But after hanging out with this little bold toddler, I've been making it my intention to make I don't know a central part of my internal and external dialogue. . . to keep me from projecting and guessing, to keep me from worry about the future, to keep me from attempting to control the world around me by thinking about and analyzing something to death.  And hopefully to encourage some letting go and letting God in, to cultivate more trust in God and in God's big weird, creative plan for the Universe. 

So let's try to make room for some I don't knows in prayer time today.  . . .. .

Some of my I don't knows lately:

I don't know when or if I'll get pregnant.
I don't know if I'm pregnant now.
I don't know what is going on in my body.  Ever!
I don't know when my Aunt Lisa will die.  I don't know what she needs.  I don't know how her husband and kids will cope if she dies soon.
I don't know what is going on in my brother's brain.  I don't know what he's going through or what he needs or if/when he'll get better. 
I don't know how E will do in Colorado or how he'll grow up or how long he'll remember me for.
I don't know how V will adjust to preschool or her new little brother.
I don't know how long I'll work with this family.
I don't know how long we'll live in this apartment.
I don't know if Dan will come home alive from tour (well, I don't!).
I don't know how many kids we'll have, if any.  I don't know their genders or their names or what they will be like or what parenting will be like. 
I don't know what will happen to the U.S., what the cultural/political/social climate or economy will look like over the years.  I don't know how to help it.
I don't know how long we'll keep polluting and allowing all these toxins into our lives.  I don't know how it's affecting our bodies or how it will affect the bodies of family.


If I read the above statements when I'm in a controlly mood, it can seem stressful and overwhelming, but if I state them with a letting go and trusting God sort of energy, it's very freeing.  I don't have to hold anything at all!!   I hold nothing.  Everything is SO out of my control, there is nothing I can do but stay open to the Spirit and do my tiny part to allow the work of the creative Creator to come in to my life and the lives of the ones I love and do what the Spirit will do.  I don't know the bigger picture.  I don't know the good that can come out of the suffering.  I don't know God's timing that weaves together the greatest story ever told.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I trust.  I trust.

PRE-prenatal

It's amazing how this huge wave of energy and hormones and joy! and excitement! has taken me over since my fear of pregnancy and birth have gradually dropped away.  Looking back, I'm not sure when it happened exactly.  But I am sure these last four years have partially been a preparation for this time, slowly but surely getting my body back into health with nutrition, different forms of bodywork and now exercise, among other things.  I am filled with gratitude.

So now that Dan and I are a few months away from trying to conceive, I am trying to keep the Yin and Yang balance as I prepare/wait.  On the one hand, I have all this ENERGY!!!! (SO MUCH ENERGY!!!!!! ), and I believe I have it for a reason so I've mostly been channeling it into preparing my body with exercise.  I'm taking a pilates-type class focused on strengthening my core (and making me aware of muscles I will use for carrying and birthing later).  And I'm taking a somato-psychic dance class that's simultaneously helping me to clear out while I strengthen and get my aerobic exercise in too.  Also, besides seeing my regular bodyworkers, I started going to an acupuncturist specializing in prenatal care, and started taking my prenatal vitamins a few weeks ago (fun!).

But all of this yangy stuff can start to crowd out the yin stuff.  And my constant list-making sometimes feels like it crosses over the line into wanting to control the outcome instead of preparing for whatever comes.

Dan got me the book "Birthing From Within" for my birthday and it's been a really nice reminder to prepare internally as well as externally.  And by preparing internally, they pretty much mean: there is no possible way to prepare so stop trying already, drop ALL your expectations and follow the flow of things (your body, your instincts, etc., and I would also add the Divine Plan for my life, Dan's life, and baby's life).  It also encourages us to do "birth art" in order to address underlying issues that might hinder our preparation.  My first drawing was of me lying flat on my back smiling at my favorite beach with a sign over my head that said "STOP DOING."  It makes me calm when I see it.  And I breathe deeper.

My intention is to embody this message these next few months and let go into this dance of yang and yin, movement and stillness, doing and being, preparing and waiting. . . expectantly. 

present with the process

Just finished a four day craniosacral class focusing on the emotional releases that often happen when working on clients.  I'm feeling renewed and ready to practice my new skills, especially the idea of staying neutral as the therapist and trying not to lead the client physically or emotionally.  Instead of trying to fix the client or the symptoms they came in with, instead of trying to to control or be attached to the outcome, it's a blending and melding with the tissue and the process, staying present and trusting that the client's body and psyche will lead me where it needs to go to unwind and to release.

As I'm writing this, it seems like an obvious metaphor for how I desire to live my life.  Staying present with Spirit/myself/the process, following the flow of things, trusting that it will lead me to where I need to go.  And wouldn't it be great if someday it didn't even feel like leading and following?  But happened so naturally that it just felt like living?  That is my prayer for today.  May I be so in line with Spirit/the Flow that it is difficult to tell the difference.

2012

my annual new year's post!

2012 was filled with:

--new year's in the beautiful Santa Cruz mountains with friends
--a trip to sunny San Diego in February to visit our friends from college
--another magical ladies-only birthday (31!) on the beach in Pacifica
--a trip to Nashville for my mom's 63rd birthday in March
--a visit from my Dad and Cindy, also in March
--Dan's whole family coming, including our sweet niece, out to the Bay Area
--August was wedding month! . . . a romantic celebration in Mendocino where Dan and I sang "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" under the redwood trees, an open marriage ceremony at a bar in Oakland, a new agey hippie wedding in a plant nursery in Pacifica that I photographed, and a marriage party including a taco truck and all night dance party
-- a blazing hot trip to LA in September to visit Brenda and the boys
--a beautiful autumn trip to Michigan in October, hanging with loved ones in West Michigan, Mt. Pleasant, Lansing and Detroit
--a quick but lovely visit from Hez and Matt in November
--a wonderful visit from Mom for Thanksgiving
--and the we broke our 5 year tradition of not traveling during the holidays with a trip to Minnesota to see Dan's family for Christmas!

And when we weren't traveling, having visitors or going to weddings:

2012 was also filled with:

--graduating from massage school (in January), taking a nutrition course and continuing workshops for craniosacral, getting a new studio right in the neighborhood!, seeing clients, and still thoroughly grateful for my new path
--part-time nannying/falling in love with Baby Verena (who I suppose is not a baby anymore :( ), watching her learn and grow
--play dates with Evan at the park
 --hanging out/deepening friendships with church friends, neighbors, and others, old new
--going to YD shows
--enjoying seeing Dan so happy at Pandora, making friends, enjoying work
--adopting a rescue bird, Indigo, so Jasper has a friend, watching them become buddies
--finding a new creative outlet by starting a new art and style blog with my friend Shikha
--a good friend's mom and my Aunt Natalie transitioning on
--continuing my self-care regime . . . chiro, cranio, spiritual direction, clean food, yoga, journaling, meditation and prayer, walking and dancing


2013 will be:  ???

I am intending to hold my plans for 2013 loosely, but we have a few intentions, including putting out Dan's 3rd (solo) album, a lot less traveling than last year, but hopefully a trip to San Diego again, and a trip to Michigan (to meet our new niece or nephew!), Dan going on a month-long tour with the YD in July, my various self-care type goals, friendship intentions, a trip to Yosemite at the end of August, and then me getting pregnant in the fall, God and Universe-willing.  :)  Yay for 2013!!!!!

goodbye Blasto

A few months ago, I had a feeling the parasite (Blastocystis Hominus) was gone.  I made an appointment with my HMO to get tested, and sure enough, it was!!!!  It took over a year to get rid of it, but my crazy-strict diet finally starved that mo-fo.  I feel grateful to God, proud of myself, and overall much more full of energy!  As for the diet, I'm staying on it for awhile for a few reasons-- because it's super healthy and feels good on my digestive system, and I still feel like I want to get my Candidiasis a little more tempered before I start eating things that those little Candida albicans like to eat again. 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a better variety of meals for myself lately.  It does take some creativity to not get bored with a processed-free diet.  I made gluten-free meatloaf for the first time the other day, combining two recipes I found on the internet plus adding a few of my own ingredients.  Here's the recipe:

Gluten-free Meatloaf:

.8 lbs. of grass-fed beef
1 cup of  cooked quinoa and millet
1/2 onion
a little red pepper
1 celery stalk
2 garlic cloves
cumin
cinnamon
sea salt
pepper
parsley


It was soooo good.  I'm still getting used to the taste of meat after being a vegetarian for 16 years, so covering up the "meaty" taste with all these delicious veggies and spices worked really well.

Here are some blogs I've been reading for recipe ideas lately too:

http://gluten-dairy-sugarfree.com/
http://www.elanaspantry.com/

ease

I lead the prayer time at church again today. Here's what I said:


I was on the beach in Pacifica for my 31st birthday and asked the Holy Spirit that if there was one thing it would have me focus on this year, what would that be?  I already had a very detailed list of goals and intentions I had set for myself for the new year and was curious what God would say was the most important from the list.  God, of course being God, didn’t name one thing from my long list of self-improvement goals.  I simply heard, “Be easy.”  

Be easy.  

I immediately thought of an example of this “easiness” that I believed the Spirit was referring to.  In 2009, I went through a healing crisis, as many of you know, that after much physical and emotional distress, finally lead me to a career switch among many other changes.  One of the physical symptoms I experienced that year was dizziness and other balance-related issues, which caused me to have motion sickness when I drove in a car.  After a while, as I attempted to surrender to the healing process, I was lead, step by step, towards health and my dizziness started to dissipate.  But I was still feeling the dizziness when I was in a car.  And instead of focusing on what was working and healing in my life, I chose to focus on what I was not able to do and was very hard on myself.  I was done with this whole “sick thing” and just wanted to get it over with already and be back to “normal.”  I kept trying to force myself to drive and then feeling sick when I did, which would increase the fear, which made everything worse especially the dizziness, I’m sure.  

So I eventually surrendered to the fact that whatever I was doing was not working, and I stopped trying so hard.  I went to God. . . . I slowed down. . . . I asked, “What am I missing?” and “What else can I learn from this?”  And then tried to listen to what the next step was in this whole, slooow healing process that God was leading me through, and that I was starting to have faith in.  I began following the Spirit’s subtle instructions again, listening to the still small voice, instead of trying to rush into something I thought that I should be doing.  And lo and behold, one day I found myself driving again.  I was very surprised about how easy a transition it was!  There was no pushing.  There wasn’t even any fear.  The instructions the Spirit had given me towards healing had prepared me, had fully dissipated the motion sick feeling this time, and I was driving again.  I was ready, and it was easy.  I did it with ease.

Contrary to what I believe our society constantly tells us, it’s not always about pushing ourselves.  God wants to be so gentle with us.  Way way way more gentle than we are with ourselves most of the time.  And it’s not about focusing on the one thing or the many things that we want to change.  We can ask ourselves, “Where do we already have ease in our lives and how can we build on that?"  "How can we slow down and join God’s process in God’s timing?”  When we’re doing things with God, in God’s timing, I believe there is not overwhelm.  There is ease.  Overwhelm can be our clue that we’re not letting God in.  That’s how I’ve been using it in my life.  (And I sense that many in this congregation also experience this overwhelm being the activists and self-improvement junkies that we are.)  He wants to carry us along with ease.  He wants us to “be easy.” With God, in God’s timing, there is ease.  And there is joy.

Today, let’s pray together in silence and ask God how can we “be easy” today.  How can we build on what’s going well in our lives and leave room for even more ease and more joy. . . within ourselves, with those around us, in church while we plan our future structure, and with the work we do in the world.  Let us pray.

next steps

I really don't talk about my healing crisis of 2009 much in my life at all, but I seem to mention it a lot in this blog.  I started the blog during that time.  And the blog has mostly been an outlet where I can process the amazing path that has unfolded since my Saturn return so I guess it makes sense.  I know I'm so early in the process of this new path, and in the future, I think it will be interesting to look back and read how I got to where I am/will be.  Not that I think everything I did before 2009 was irrelevant.  Not at all!  Lately it's been clear that my degrees in social work will be an essential part of what I do in the future.  I think.  Who knows?  It's exciting not to know and not to plan.  And to just trust.  The hard part for me is not rushing.  And to stay in this era, which mostly seems to be about learning.  So anyways, these are my rambling thoughts that are supposed to eventually transition into telling you, blog readers (hi mom!) about what's been unfolding as of late in regards to my health and my business, which are (surprise!) extremely related.  


So I talked about in a previous blog about my adventures with parasites and in return, my adventures with healthy eating.  This has also been exacerbated by the knowledge that I also have candida (yeast overgrowth) so I'm now learning even more about digestive health.  So then last November during some Reiki with Meg, I realized that I needed to figure out what the next step is after I graduate from massage school, besides continuing CranioSacral classes and continuing my business.  So while Dan was in Minnesota for Thanksgiving, I decided to devote the week to trying to discern and listen to what was next.  


Looking back on it, I think it only took about one day to figure out my next step.  I was thinking about what skills I wanted to provide to my current and future clients, and decided that I was always trying to give them nutrition advice even though I have no background in nutrition.  I've just come to realize how important it is in overall health (like THE most important).  And when my clients are coming to me with whatever complaints, nutrition is almost always involved in the whole picture.  And it goes along with the holistic viewpoint- that it's impossible to treat one isolated aspect of a person.  And it goes along with everything I learned from my own healing crisis- how it wasn't one thing that went wrong, and it wasn't one thing that helped me get back into balance again.  Treating the whole body, mind and soul was and is essential.  


So that week, I came to the conclusion that the next step on my educational path is getting my nutritional consulting certificate.  I researched several schools and decided on one located Santa Cruz.  It's an independent study/long distance learning so I'll be doing it at my own pace throughout this year.  I started in January and have been soaking in all the yummy info since!  


That month I also officially graduated from massage school!  On my last day of class, my favorite teacher Karen asked what we were going to do next.  I mentioned that I was looking for a space to practice, and she mentioned that she doesn't use her space 3 days a week.  I had already been looking for a place and wasn't having any "luck."  So after visiting her place and talking prices (she gave me an awesome deal), I got the keys to the place last week!  It's super cute, and right in the neighborhood.  I'm going to rent 6 hours on Saturdays for now, and add more days as I get more clients.  My chiropractor also offered her place so I'm going to use their extra room on Sundays on an as-needed basis.   I'm so excited!  I'm ready to have my own apartment to myself (oh and Dan).  And I want to be able to cook fish and garlic and not have to worry about the smell for when my next client is coming in next!  

So that's where I am now.  I have so many other body work skills I want to learn (acupressure, visceral manipulation, lymph drainage, and reiki to name a few!), but my goal is attempt to try to stay in the present and enjoy where I am now!