I don't know

My introduction to Prayers of the People on Sunday:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase I don't know.  I met a little 3 1/2 year old the other day who was really good at saying I don't know, which I was really impressed with!  3 year olds are of course good at saying "no," but I've mostly been around toddlers who will either stare blankly at me if they don't the answer to something or will bullshit and make up some wild and entertaining answer. 

But this little girl was very bright and if she did know the answer to my questions, she would tell me in long, clear sentences.  But if she didn't know, she confidently stated, "I don't know."

This really stuck out in my mind . . .because I am one of those people, like a lot of humans, that wants to know!!  It gives me a false sense of control in this crazy life on planet Earth.  But after hanging out with this little bold toddler, I've been making it my intention to make I don't know a central part of my internal and external dialogue. . . to keep me from projecting and guessing, to keep me from worry about the future, to keep me from attempting to control the world around me by thinking about and analyzing something to death.  And hopefully to encourage some letting go and letting God in, to cultivate more trust in God and in God's big weird, creative plan for the Universe. 

So let's try to make room for some I don't knows in prayer time today.  . . .. .

Some of my I don't knows lately:

I don't know when or if I'll get pregnant.
I don't know if I'm pregnant now.
I don't know what is going on in my body.  Ever!
I don't know when my Aunt Lisa will die.  I don't know what she needs.  I don't know how her husband and kids will cope if she dies soon.
I don't know what is going on in my brother's brain.  I don't know what he's going through or what he needs or if/when he'll get better. 
I don't know how E will do in Colorado or how he'll grow up or how long he'll remember me for.
I don't know how V will adjust to preschool or her new little brother.
I don't know how long I'll work with this family.
I don't know how long we'll live in this apartment.
I don't know if Dan will come home alive from tour (well, I don't!).
I don't know how many kids we'll have, if any.  I don't know their genders or their names or what they will be like or what parenting will be like. 
I don't know what will happen to the U.S., what the cultural/political/social climate or economy will look like over the years.  I don't know how to help it.
I don't know how long we'll keep polluting and allowing all these toxins into our lives.  I don't know how it's affecting our bodies or how it will affect the bodies of family.


If I read the above statements when I'm in a controlly mood, it can seem stressful and overwhelming, but if I state them with a letting go and trusting God sort of energy, it's very freeing.  I don't have to hold anything at all!!   I hold nothing.  Everything is SO out of my control, there is nothing I can do but stay open to the Spirit and do my tiny part to allow the work of the creative Creator to come in to my life and the lives of the ones I love and do what the Spirit will do.  I don't know the bigger picture.  I don't know the good that can come out of the suffering.  I don't know God's timing that weaves together the greatest story ever told.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I trust.  I trust.

PRE-prenatal

It's amazing how this huge wave of energy and hormones and joy! and excitement! has taken me over since my fear of pregnancy and birth have gradually dropped away.  Looking back, I'm not sure when it happened exactly.  But I am sure these last four years have partially been a preparation for this time, slowly but surely getting my body back into health with nutrition, different forms of bodywork and now exercise, among other things.  I am filled with gratitude.

So now that Dan and I are a few months away from trying to conceive, I am trying to keep the Yin and Yang balance as I prepare/wait.  On the one hand, I have all this ENERGY!!!! (SO MUCH ENERGY!!!!!! ), and I believe I have it for a reason so I've mostly been channeling it into preparing my body with exercise.  I'm taking a pilates-type class focused on strengthening my core (and making me aware of muscles I will use for carrying and birthing later).  And I'm taking a somato-psychic dance class that's simultaneously helping me to clear out while I strengthen and get my aerobic exercise in too.  Also, besides seeing my regular bodyworkers, I started going to an acupuncturist specializing in prenatal care, and started taking my prenatal vitamins a few weeks ago (fun!).

But all of this yangy stuff can start to crowd out the yin stuff.  And my constant list-making sometimes feels like it crosses over the line into wanting to control the outcome instead of preparing for whatever comes.

Dan got me the book "Birthing From Within" for my birthday and it's been a really nice reminder to prepare internally as well as externally.  And by preparing internally, they pretty much mean: there is no possible way to prepare so stop trying already, drop ALL your expectations and follow the flow of things (your body, your instincts, etc., and I would also add the Divine Plan for my life, Dan's life, and baby's life).  It also encourages us to do "birth art" in order to address underlying issues that might hinder our preparation.  My first drawing was of me lying flat on my back smiling at my favorite beach with a sign over my head that said "STOP DOING."  It makes me calm when I see it.  And I breathe deeper.

My intention is to embody this message these next few months and let go into this dance of yang and yin, movement and stillness, doing and being, preparing and waiting. . . expectantly. 

present with the process

Just finished a four day craniosacral class focusing on the emotional releases that often happen when working on clients.  I'm feeling renewed and ready to practice my new skills, especially the idea of staying neutral as the therapist and trying not to lead the client physically or emotionally.  Instead of trying to fix the client or the symptoms they came in with, instead of trying to to control or be attached to the outcome, it's a blending and melding with the tissue and the process, staying present and trusting that the client's body and psyche will lead me where it needs to go to unwind and to release.

As I'm writing this, it seems like an obvious metaphor for how I desire to live my life.  Staying present with Spirit/myself/the process, following the flow of things, trusting that it will lead me to where I need to go.  And wouldn't it be great if someday it didn't even feel like leading and following?  But happened so naturally that it just felt like living?  That is my prayer for today.  May I be so in line with Spirit/the Flow that it is difficult to tell the difference.

2012

my annual new year's post!

2012 was filled with:

--new year's in the beautiful Santa Cruz mountains with friends
--a trip to sunny San Diego in February to visit our friends from college
--another magical ladies-only birthday (31!) on the beach in Pacifica
--a trip to Nashville for my mom's 63rd birthday in March
--a visit from my Dad and Cindy, also in March
--Dan's whole family coming, including our sweet niece, out to the Bay Area
--August was wedding month! . . . a romantic celebration in Mendocino where Dan and I sang "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" under the redwood trees, an open marriage ceremony at a bar in Oakland, a new agey hippie wedding in a plant nursery in Pacifica that I photographed, and a marriage party including a taco truck and all night dance party
-- a blazing hot trip to LA in September to visit Brenda and the boys
--a beautiful autumn trip to Michigan in October, hanging with loved ones in West Michigan, Mt. Pleasant, Lansing and Detroit
--a quick but lovely visit from Hez and Matt in November
--a wonderful visit from Mom for Thanksgiving
--and the we broke our 5 year tradition of not traveling during the holidays with a trip to Minnesota to see Dan's family for Christmas!

And when we weren't traveling, having visitors or going to weddings:

2012 was also filled with:

--graduating from massage school (in January), taking a nutrition course and continuing workshops for craniosacral, getting a new studio right in the neighborhood!, seeing clients, and still thoroughly grateful for my new path
--part-time nannying/falling in love with Baby Verena (who I suppose is not a baby anymore :( ), watching her learn and grow
--play dates with Evan at the park
 --hanging out/deepening friendships with church friends, neighbors, and others, old new
--going to YD shows
--enjoying seeing Dan so happy at Pandora, making friends, enjoying work
--adopting a rescue bird, Indigo, so Jasper has a friend, watching them become buddies
--finding a new creative outlet by starting a new art and style blog with my friend Shikha
--a good friend's mom and my Aunt Natalie transitioning on
--continuing my self-care regime . . . chiro, cranio, spiritual direction, clean food, yoga, journaling, meditation and prayer, walking and dancing


2013 will be:  ???

I am intending to hold my plans for 2013 loosely, but we have a few intentions, including putting out Dan's 3rd (solo) album, a lot less traveling than last year, but hopefully a trip to San Diego again, and a trip to Michigan (to meet our new niece or nephew!), Dan going on a month-long tour with the YD in July, my various self-care type goals, friendship intentions, a trip to Yosemite at the end of August, and then me getting pregnant in the fall, God and Universe-willing.  :)  Yay for 2013!!!!!