I don't know

My introduction to Prayers of the People on Sunday:

Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase I don't know.  I met a little 3 1/2 year old the other day who was really good at saying I don't know, which I was really impressed with!  3 year olds are of course good at saying "no," but I've mostly been around toddlers who will either stare blankly at me if they don't the answer to something or will bullshit and make up some wild and entertaining answer. 

But this little girl was very bright and if she did know the answer to my questions, she would tell me in long, clear sentences.  But if she didn't know, she confidently stated, "I don't know."

This really stuck out in my mind . . .because I am one of those people, like a lot of humans, that wants to know!!  It gives me a false sense of control in this crazy life on planet Earth.  But after hanging out with this little bold toddler, I've been making it my intention to make I don't know a central part of my internal and external dialogue. . . to keep me from projecting and guessing, to keep me from worry about the future, to keep me from attempting to control the world around me by thinking about and analyzing something to death.  And hopefully to encourage some letting go and letting God in, to cultivate more trust in God and in God's big weird, creative plan for the Universe. 

So let's try to make room for some I don't knows in prayer time today.  . . .. .

Some of my I don't knows lately:

I don't know when or if I'll get pregnant.
I don't know if I'm pregnant now.
I don't know what is going on in my body.  Ever!
I don't know when my Aunt Lisa will die.  I don't know what she needs.  I don't know how her husband and kids will cope if she dies soon.
I don't know what is going on in my brother's brain.  I don't know what he's going through or what he needs or if/when he'll get better. 
I don't know how E will do in Colorado or how he'll grow up or how long he'll remember me for.
I don't know how V will adjust to preschool or her new little brother.
I don't know how long I'll work with this family.
I don't know how long we'll live in this apartment.
I don't know if Dan will come home alive from tour (well, I don't!).
I don't know how many kids we'll have, if any.  I don't know their genders or their names or what they will be like or what parenting will be like. 
I don't know what will happen to the U.S., what the cultural/political/social climate or economy will look like over the years.  I don't know how to help it.
I don't know how long we'll keep polluting and allowing all these toxins into our lives.  I don't know how it's affecting our bodies or how it will affect the bodies of family.


If I read the above statements when I'm in a controlly mood, it can seem stressful and overwhelming, but if I state them with a letting go and trusting God sort of energy, it's very freeing.  I don't have to hold anything at all!!   I hold nothing.  Everything is SO out of my control, there is nothing I can do but stay open to the Spirit and do my tiny part to allow the work of the creative Creator to come in to my life and the lives of the ones I love and do what the Spirit will do.  I don't know the bigger picture.  I don't know the good that can come out of the suffering.  I don't know God's timing that weaves together the greatest story ever told.  I don't know.  I don't know.  I trust.  I trust.

PRE-prenatal

It's amazing how this huge wave of energy and hormones and joy! and excitement! has taken me over since my fear of pregnancy and birth have gradually dropped away.  Looking back, I'm not sure when it happened exactly.  But I am sure these last four years have partially been a preparation for this time, slowly but surely getting my body back into health with nutrition, different forms of bodywork and now exercise, among other things.  I am filled with gratitude.

So now that Dan and I are a few months away from trying to conceive, I am trying to keep the Yin and Yang balance as I prepare/wait.  On the one hand, I have all this ENERGY!!!! (SO MUCH ENERGY!!!!!! ), and I believe I have it for a reason so I've mostly been channeling it into preparing my body with exercise.  I'm taking a pilates-type class focused on strengthening my core (and making me aware of muscles I will use for carrying and birthing later).  And I'm taking a somato-psychic dance class that's simultaneously helping me to clear out while I strengthen and get my aerobic exercise in too.  Also, besides seeing my regular bodyworkers, I started going to an acupuncturist specializing in prenatal care, and started taking my prenatal vitamins a few weeks ago (fun!).

But all of this yangy stuff can start to crowd out the yin stuff.  And my constant list-making sometimes feels like it crosses over the line into wanting to control the outcome instead of preparing for whatever comes.

Dan got me the book "Birthing From Within" for my birthday and it's been a really nice reminder to prepare internally as well as externally.  And by preparing internally, they pretty much mean: there is no possible way to prepare so stop trying already, drop ALL your expectations and follow the flow of things (your body, your instincts, etc., and I would also add the Divine Plan for my life, Dan's life, and baby's life).  It also encourages us to do "birth art" in order to address underlying issues that might hinder our preparation.  My first drawing was of me lying flat on my back smiling at my favorite beach with a sign over my head that said "STOP DOING."  It makes me calm when I see it.  And I breathe deeper.

My intention is to embody this message these next few months and let go into this dance of yang and yin, movement and stillness, doing and being, preparing and waiting. . . expectantly. 

present with the process

Just finished a four day craniosacral class focusing on the emotional releases that often happen when working on clients.  I'm feeling renewed and ready to practice my new skills, especially the idea of staying neutral as the therapist and trying not to lead the client physically or emotionally.  Instead of trying to fix the client or the symptoms they came in with, instead of trying to to control or be attached to the outcome, it's a blending and melding with the tissue and the process, staying present and trusting that the client's body and psyche will lead me where it needs to go to unwind and to release.

As I'm writing this, it seems like an obvious metaphor for how I desire to live my life.  Staying present with Spirit/myself/the process, following the flow of things, trusting that it will lead me to where I need to go.  And wouldn't it be great if someday it didn't even feel like leading and following?  But happened so naturally that it just felt like living?  That is my prayer for today.  May I be so in line with Spirit/the Flow that it is difficult to tell the difference.

2012

my annual new year's post!

2012 was filled with:

--new year's in the beautiful Santa Cruz mountains with friends
--a trip to sunny San Diego in February to visit our friends from college
--another magical ladies-only birthday (31!) on the beach in Pacifica
--a trip to Nashville for my mom's 63rd birthday in March
--a visit from my Dad and Cindy, also in March
--Dan's whole family coming, including our sweet niece, out to the Bay Area
--August was wedding month! . . . a romantic celebration in Mendocino where Dan and I sang "In the Aeroplane Over the Sea" under the redwood trees, an open marriage ceremony at a bar in Oakland, a new agey hippie wedding in a plant nursery in Pacifica that I photographed, and a marriage party including a taco truck and all night dance party
-- a blazing hot trip to LA in September to visit Brenda and the boys
--a beautiful autumn trip to Michigan in October, hanging with loved ones in West Michigan, Mt. Pleasant, Lansing and Detroit
--a quick but lovely visit from Hez and Matt in November
--a wonderful visit from Mom for Thanksgiving
--and the we broke our 5 year tradition of not traveling during the holidays with a trip to Minnesota to see Dan's family for Christmas!

And when we weren't traveling, having visitors or going to weddings:

2012 was also filled with:

--graduating from massage school (in January), taking a nutrition course and continuing workshops for craniosacral, getting a new studio right in the neighborhood!, seeing clients, and still thoroughly grateful for my new path
--part-time nannying/falling in love with Baby Verena (who I suppose is not a baby anymore :( ), watching her learn and grow
--play dates with Evan at the park
 --hanging out/deepening friendships with church friends, neighbors, and others, old new
--going to YD shows
--enjoying seeing Dan so happy at Pandora, making friends, enjoying work
--adopting a rescue bird, Indigo, so Jasper has a friend, watching them become buddies
--finding a new creative outlet by starting a new art and style blog with my friend Shikha
--a good friend's mom and my Aunt Natalie transitioning on
--continuing my self-care regime . . . chiro, cranio, spiritual direction, clean food, yoga, journaling, meditation and prayer, walking and dancing


2013 will be:  ???

I am intending to hold my plans for 2013 loosely, but we have a few intentions, including putting out Dan's 3rd (solo) album, a lot less traveling than last year, but hopefully a trip to San Diego again, and a trip to Michigan (to meet our new niece or nephew!), Dan going on a month-long tour with the YD in July, my various self-care type goals, friendship intentions, a trip to Yosemite at the end of August, and then me getting pregnant in the fall, God and Universe-willing.  :)  Yay for 2013!!!!!

goodbye Blasto

A few months ago, I had a feeling the parasite (Blastocystis Hominus) was gone.  I made an appointment with my HMO to get tested, and sure enough, it was!!!!  It took over a year to get rid of it, but my crazy-strict diet finally starved that mo-fo.  I feel grateful to God, proud of myself, and overall much more full of energy!  As for the diet, I'm staying on it for awhile for a few reasons-- because it's super healthy and feels good on my digestive system, and I still feel like I want to get my Candidiasis a little more tempered before I start eating things that those little Candida albicans like to eat again. 

Meanwhile, I'm trying to make a better variety of meals for myself lately.  It does take some creativity to not get bored with a processed-free diet.  I made gluten-free meatloaf for the first time the other day, combining two recipes I found on the internet plus adding a few of my own ingredients.  Here's the recipe:

Gluten-free Meatloaf:

.8 lbs. of grass-fed beef
1 cup of  cooked quinoa and millet
1/2 onion
a little red pepper
1 celery stalk
2 garlic cloves
cumin
cinnamon
sea salt
pepper
parsley


It was soooo good.  I'm still getting used to the taste of meat after being a vegetarian for 16 years, so covering up the "meaty" taste with all these delicious veggies and spices worked really well.

Here are some blogs I've been reading for recipe ideas lately too:

http://gluten-dairy-sugarfree.com/
http://www.elanaspantry.com/

ease

I lead the prayer time at church again today. Here's what I said:


I was on the beach in Pacifica for my 31st birthday and asked the Holy Spirit that if there was one thing it would have me focus on this year, what would that be?  I already had a very detailed list of goals and intentions I had set for myself for the new year and was curious what God would say was the most important from the list.  God, of course being God, didn’t name one thing from my long list of self-improvement goals.  I simply heard, “Be easy.”  

Be easy.  

I immediately thought of an example of this “easiness” that I believed the Spirit was referring to.  In 2009, I went through a healing crisis, as many of you know, that after much physical and emotional distress, finally lead me to a career switch among many other changes.  One of the physical symptoms I experienced that year was dizziness and other balance-related issues, which caused me to have motion sickness when I drove in a car.  After a while, as I attempted to surrender to the healing process, I was lead, step by step, towards health and my dizziness started to dissipate.  But I was still feeling the dizziness when I was in a car.  And instead of focusing on what was working and healing in my life, I chose to focus on what I was not able to do and was very hard on myself.  I was done with this whole “sick thing” and just wanted to get it over with already and be back to “normal.”  I kept trying to force myself to drive and then feeling sick when I did, which would increase the fear, which made everything worse especially the dizziness, I’m sure.  

So I eventually surrendered to the fact that whatever I was doing was not working, and I stopped trying so hard.  I went to God. . . . I slowed down. . . . I asked, “What am I missing?” and “What else can I learn from this?”  And then tried to listen to what the next step was in this whole, slooow healing process that God was leading me through, and that I was starting to have faith in.  I began following the Spirit’s subtle instructions again, listening to the still small voice, instead of trying to rush into something I thought that I should be doing.  And lo and behold, one day I found myself driving again.  I was very surprised about how easy a transition it was!  There was no pushing.  There wasn’t even any fear.  The instructions the Spirit had given me towards healing had prepared me, had fully dissipated the motion sick feeling this time, and I was driving again.  I was ready, and it was easy.  I did it with ease.

Contrary to what I believe our society constantly tells us, it’s not always about pushing ourselves.  God wants to be so gentle with us.  Way way way more gentle than we are with ourselves most of the time.  And it’s not about focusing on the one thing or the many things that we want to change.  We can ask ourselves, “Where do we already have ease in our lives and how can we build on that?"  "How can we slow down and join God’s process in God’s timing?”  When we’re doing things with God, in God’s timing, I believe there is not overwhelm.  There is ease.  Overwhelm can be our clue that we’re not letting God in.  That’s how I’ve been using it in my life.  (And I sense that many in this congregation also experience this overwhelm being the activists and self-improvement junkies that we are.)  He wants to carry us along with ease.  He wants us to “be easy.” With God, in God’s timing, there is ease.  And there is joy.

Today, let’s pray together in silence and ask God how can we “be easy” today.  How can we build on what’s going well in our lives and leave room for even more ease and more joy. . . within ourselves, with those around us, in church while we plan our future structure, and with the work we do in the world.  Let us pray.

next steps

I really don't talk about my healing crisis of 2009 much in my life at all, but I seem to mention it a lot in this blog.  I started the blog during that time.  And the blog has mostly been an outlet where I can process the amazing path that has unfolded since my Saturn return so I guess it makes sense.  I know I'm so early in the process of this new path, and in the future, I think it will be interesting to look back and read how I got to where I am/will be.  Not that I think everything I did before 2009 was irrelevant.  Not at all!  Lately it's been clear that my degrees in social work will be an essential part of what I do in the future.  I think.  Who knows?  It's exciting not to know and not to plan.  And to just trust.  The hard part for me is not rushing.  And to stay in this era, which mostly seems to be about learning.  So anyways, these are my rambling thoughts that are supposed to eventually transition into telling you, blog readers (hi mom!) about what's been unfolding as of late in regards to my health and my business, which are (surprise!) extremely related.  


So I talked about in a previous blog about my adventures with parasites and in return, my adventures with healthy eating.  This has also been exacerbated by the knowledge that I also have candida (yeast overgrowth) so I'm now learning even more about digestive health.  So then last November during some Reiki with Meg, I realized that I needed to figure out what the next step is after I graduate from massage school, besides continuing CranioSacral classes and continuing my business.  So while Dan was in Minnesota for Thanksgiving, I decided to devote the week to trying to discern and listen to what was next.  


Looking back on it, I think it only took about one day to figure out my next step.  I was thinking about what skills I wanted to provide to my current and future clients, and decided that I was always trying to give them nutrition advice even though I have no background in nutrition.  I've just come to realize how important it is in overall health (like THE most important).  And when my clients are coming to me with whatever complaints, nutrition is almost always involved in the whole picture.  And it goes along with the holistic viewpoint- that it's impossible to treat one isolated aspect of a person.  And it goes along with everything I learned from my own healing crisis- how it wasn't one thing that went wrong, and it wasn't one thing that helped me get back into balance again.  Treating the whole body, mind and soul was and is essential.  


So that week, I came to the conclusion that the next step on my educational path is getting my nutritional consulting certificate.  I researched several schools and decided on one located Santa Cruz.  It's an independent study/long distance learning so I'll be doing it at my own pace throughout this year.  I started in January and have been soaking in all the yummy info since!  


That month I also officially graduated from massage school!  On my last day of class, my favorite teacher Karen asked what we were going to do next.  I mentioned that I was looking for a space to practice, and she mentioned that she doesn't use her space 3 days a week.  I had already been looking for a place and wasn't having any "luck."  So after visiting her place and talking prices (she gave me an awesome deal), I got the keys to the place last week!  It's super cute, and right in the neighborhood.  I'm going to rent 6 hours on Saturdays for now, and add more days as I get more clients.  My chiropractor also offered her place so I'm going to use their extra room on Sundays on an as-needed basis.   I'm so excited!  I'm ready to have my own apartment to myself (oh and Dan).  And I want to be able to cook fish and garlic and not have to worry about the smell for when my next client is coming in next!  

So that's where I am now.  I have so many other body work skills I want to learn (acupressure, visceral manipulation, lymph drainage, and reiki to name a few!), but my goal is attempt to try to stay in the present and enjoy where I am now!

2011

2011 was filled with . . .

Babies!  Evan, Baby V, Lily and Channing in Michigan, Georgia in Santa Cruz, all the Blanks babies . . .

Family and friends visiting!  (Cathy and a pregnant Laura, Heidi, Brenda, Matt, Mom, Aunt Judy, Aunt Jan and Cousin Kate!)

Watching Evan grow and then letting him go when he entered day care

New job with Baby V

FDB and YD shows

A perfectly magical 30^th birthday with my girlfriends at the ocean

Wisconsin solidarity and Occupy protests

Barbecues, b-ball, and wiffle ball with friends!

Pacifica afternoons

Santa Cruz weekends

A wonderful trip to Michigan

Massage school

Starting my business!

Working on clients in the living room

Awesome barters with a hairstylist, a reiki master, and a fashion consultant!

Jasper found us!!! Our new beloved family member

Trip to Nevada City for Cousin Kevin’s engagement celebration

Started a crafting group with the neighbors- the Craftea B’s

First congo gatherings

Walks to the park with Dan and reading/writing dates at our favorite tea place

Dan applying and interviewing all year and finally getting a new job in November!!!

My new tattoo

Self care . . . network chiropractic, craniosacral, and my new nutritionist . . .

Cooking, eating hella healthy, and feeling better!

A quiet Christmas with Dan and New Years in the Santa Cruz mountains with friends

So very grateful.

body art

Some words about my body art ritual . . .

18, freshman

too large too fast! panic!

In Columbus riding in a shopping cart

A flower, not a dandelion

but yellow

scar hanging onto heaven by a thread

growth and love opening opening forming forming marching learning

heard the news at the kitchen table through a tunnel of grief like a warrior broken family album

23, spontaneous matching japanese kanji, hope of something more

love love love love encircled joy new traditions grief and healing

25, retouching, preparing moving goodbyes exploration anxiety

new our ways our life our family our love our sun our rain our home

not quite

whoa, saturn returning crashing,  Stop.  Restart.

heritage healing healer oh hello body hello spirit body body body my path surrender surrendering learning learning learning new new new opening like a . . .

30, leaf, gratitude path Godtree letting go trusting

hope joy learning learning . . .

occupy

Answering a friend’s question on facebook a few weeks ago about why the occupiers are protesting . . . .

Yeah I can definitely see how it can be confusing to people.  I think there are a number of reasons that Occupy has not asked for specific demands so far.  The original call to action from Adbusters was to protest the corporate take over of the government.  So there are many people who still are specifically focused on this and issues related like corporate personhood, corporate lobbying, bank bail outs, casino capitalism, etc., and there is even a working group in New York called Demands who are pushing for the movement to come up with specific demands related to “Corporatocracy.”  But Occupy has also taken on a mind of its own since the first call to action, and there are many protesters (and it seems like they may be the majority since they haven’t made any demands yet) that believe that we need a whole new system and way of being altogether and that by making any demands within the current system would be an affirmation of it.

Also, another issue is that for the first time in a long time, there is a movement that is drawing people together all over the country and the world, which is great, but the difficult part is we all have so many pet issues that we would like to address.  Picking one might alienate the others, and at least for now, we want the movement to keep growing and growing and becoming stronger and stronger. 

I think there are a few purposes of trying this new tactic of sustained protest and encampment.  Because of the radical change that is desired, I think campers are making the statement that they are not just asking for one thing and then are going to go away and return to the status quo.  They are sick of the status quo.  And for the people that are calling for more specific changes, I believe their statement is about holding those in power accountable for the injustices and letting them know that we are not going to forget what they did/are doing like we have in the past.  Also, as messy as it may look because of the numbers of people and differing opinions, the encampments give us a space to come together to discuss what we desire and envision for the nation and world . . .a chance for people to connect face to face in real time instead of just on the internet.

So who knows what will come of everything.  But there has not been this much energy around change in this country since the 1960s, and I am personally excited to see so many young people engaged for once instead of the usual attitude of apathy and being too cool (and/or distracted) to care about anything of significance.  I want to support the movement any way I can.

Although there are not many sound bites that the media have been able to get out of the movement due to the enormity and complexity of the grievances and desires and the many different people and opinions, the “we are the 99%” slogan has been something that seems to have taken hold.  You probably have already seen this site, but it just shows example after example of why the current system is not working for the majority of people in the U.S. right now:

http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

And here is the list of grievances that Occupy put out in the beginning so you can see why we might be protesting for a long time J :

http://occupywallst.org/forum/first-official-release-from-occupy-wall-street/

And this is a link to an article by Matt Taibbi in the Rolling Stone that I highly recommend concerning the movement not having specific messages and demands and how the media is portraying the movement, etc.

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/how-i-stopped-worrying-and-learned-to-love-the-ows-protests-20111110#ixzz1dJytaKL9

eating for thousands

 So I’m trying to get rid of a parasite.  Yum. 

If you’ve ever had a parasite, you might know that it is a little difficult to get rid of.  To put it bluntly, there are too many bugs and too many eggs hidden in the tissue of my digestive organs to get rid of with a quick dose of antibiotics. Depending on the bugs, it can be a very slow and tedious.  You have to slowly make an inhospitable environment for the little buggers over time.  And if too many of them leave at once, everything else you’ve eaten goes with them, and you lose important nutrients like electrolytes, etc.  Fun, huh?

After I found out that I had one almost a year ago, I went to several different doctors, nutritionists, and friends that all had different advice.  But I finally found a nutritionist this summer whose advice really rang true for me, and I’ve been feeling really good ever since!!  I’ve been holding onto more meals and not feeling weak or migrainey.  Woo hoo!  I definitely think that I had this parasite during my chaotic 2009, and a lack of nutrition greatly influenced everything that happened that year.  (But of course, I have no regrets. Thank God for my Saturn Return!)

So part of my regimen includes eating a LOT more than I used to.  I eat at least 5 meals a day.  There’s a TON of things I can’t eat, so it’s easier to say what I am eating, which is:  hella protein including animal and fish protein, nuts and eggs, gluten-free grains, hella low-sugar vegetables, and the only processed food I eat is almond milk and almond butter.  I’m also trying to get rid of Candida (yeast overgrowth) at the same time so I’m eating very minimal fruit.  The food that I’m adding to my diet that slowly kills parasites and yeast are: probiotic/fermented food (saurkraut, kefir, yogurt, etc.), garlic, onions, coconut oil, ginger and pretty much any and all spices.

It’s challenging to have an extremely strict diet as you can imagine.  I miss chips most of all.  And I’ve been gluten-free for a few years now, but I still dream about garlic bread and pancakes.  Mmmmm.  It sucks going out to eat, and a couple of times I’ve felt like crying trying to find something on the menu to eat.  Everyone is watching while I try to find something I can eat, asking,  “Can you eat this?  Can you eat that?”  And I keep having to say, “No . .  .no . . .no”  It’s made me really feel for the hardcore vegans and better understand why they have to be so militant about it sometimes.   It takes a lot of discipline and confidence to have a different diet than everybody else.

But it’s not all woe-is-me!  I’m learning how to eat healthy, and I think this diet would be good for anyone even if they didn’t have a parasite.  I can’t imagine ever going back to a processed gluten diet in the future.  And at times, I’ve resented the fact that shopping and preparing and cooking food is such a gigantic part of my life.  But what the fuck else would I be doing?  Eating keeps us alive.  It’s kind of important.  And of course, in tons of other cultures their entire day revolves around cooking and eating. 

So since it IS such a huge part of my life now, I’ve been forced to enjoy it.  :)  And appreciate it.  And ritualize the grocery shopping.  And ritualize the cooking.  And get creative with my meals.  And learn to use spices.  And slow down when I eat.   And most of all, be thankful.

nanny update

So I’ve been at my new nanny job for 8 weeks now.  Baby V was about 3 1/2 months when I started.  She’s super cute, of course.  Having some distance from my last job has allowed me to do some processing.  I feel so much more relaxed with the new family.  Baby V’s mom is home sometimes and is much more pleasant to be around since she doesn’t use me as a soundboard to complain about anything and everything.  We actually have conversations where I get to speak too.  And most importantly, I don’t feel like I have to make up for any loss of love or attention that the baby isn’t getting.  Baby V’s mom is super attentive and empathic with her daughter.  I did not know what a RELIEF this would be!  This is allowing me to have a healthier, less intense relationship with her.   I just feel like I go and chill with Baby V instead of playing a protective role and trying to fill her up emotionally.  Phew!

Meanwhile, I didn’t see Baby E for about 6 weeks and did a lot of grieving and processing during that time.  Then the day care that they were sending him to didn’t work out (one of the workers showed up to the day care stoned) so I started helping out with him one to two days a week.  It was wonderful to see him and I was relieved that he remembered me and also that he was doing just fine without me! ;) They just found a new day care for him last week so I don’t know how often I’ll be seeing him.  But I feel like being with him the last month has been sort of a good weaning process for me and I feel more able to let go now.  Also, hoping his mom has seen how much I care about him, and will keep calling me when she needs an extra hand!

manifesto

A couple Sundays ago I was scheduled to lead the prayer time at my church. The day before, I sat down and was grateful to have this flow out through me. (While I was writing, Dan was doing some songwriting, and also felt like he was experiencing direct Spirit-flow inspiration. Fun!)

As we head into our time of prayer and also along the lines of the "Let Go- Let God" theme for the month, I wanted to talk a little bit about what exactly we are letting go into.

So the planet is shifting. You may have felt it, literally. The Earth is quaking. Our actions are shifting the chemical make-up and temperature of the planet. People are rising up all over the world demanding that their voices be heard. In the U.S., a new presidential election is getting closer and people are in the streets fighting against corporate greed. . . And our church is shifting, yet again. Leadership is changing, and we are searching for a way to become financially sustainable. It's a scary and exciting time!

And people are preparing for and participating in this shift in a variety of ways. Some are resisting the change. Some are actively participating in it and propelling it forward. Some of our brothers and sisters are waiting for the end of the world. Others are preparing their hearts and minds for a shift in consciousness.

There are many different ways to react to change, and lately I've been thinking about and reflecting on how I want to be and how God wants me to be during this shift, and what my particular role is.

I do believe that God is here with us in the midst of it all. I believe that God is in control even while allowing for free will. (It's this weird paradox that I don't think our human minds can fully comprehend at this time!) I believe that God actually participates in this awesome Universe that God created, and we are living in the era of the Holy Spirit. And I think we should take advantage of this gift!

So instead of spending vast quantities of time worrying and planning and trying to control, my lofty goal is to live in constant communion with the Spirit, who already resides inside of me, and from there, be lead day by day, moment by moment, by that Spirit into that path and role that God would have for me.

The metaphor that I'm about to mention is not novel, but it's a good one. I always imagine a river. And when I'm trying to live by my own strength, I'm splashing around, maybe swimming upstream and even holding onto the branches that are growing over the river from the trees of the bank. When I'm brave enough to live by the Spirit, I Let Go. And flow with the river. . . It's so much better this way! The river still runs all over the place of course, bending this way and that, over and through rocks. But it's much easier than fighting the current. If I'm not doing things on my own strength, the possibilities are endless! My incessantly chattering mind is quiet and can actually hear the Spirit! I am at peace.

So that's my goal during this shift, come what may. . . that I Let Go, into the Flow and Movement of the Spirit. And from there, trust that I will be lead step by step, moment by moment, into what my role is . . . in my home, in my work, in this church, and in the grand scheme of things on the planet.

So today during prayer time, I'll pass the microphone around so we can name what we wish to let go of, what we wish to lift up to God, to leave in God's hands. Whether it is a family member we are worried about and obsessing over, or a personal issue, or a political issue that is close to our heart. And letting go doesn't mean that we don't care or that we won't pray for our loved ones, or stop working for a cause. But it means that we are acknowledging that we are not in control. And that we wish to participate in the exact role that God intends us to have. Nothing more. Nothing less. This is when the peace comes.

So as we pass the mic around, say one or two sentences starting with "I let go of . . . " or "I lay at your feet . . ." or "I lift this up to You . . ."

I'll begin. Let us pray.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Spirit, thank you for your presence here with us now and in every moment. Give us the strength and courage to let go of our worries, to let go of our constant planning, to let go of our attempts to manipulate and control the world around us. Help us to let go of the tree branch on the bank of the river and flow with your Spirit of Life. Help us to learn to trust you and live moment by moment in constant communion with you as you guide us on our path. Thank you. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

SF spiritual communities #4, #5, #6

So I’ve been picking back up on my exploration of spiritual communities in San Francisco lately. I’ve still been trying to get to my church in Oakland at least twice a month but I don’t always feel like doing the drive, especially getting stuck in traffic on the way home. Plus I just feel like I want to expand my spiritual community to the city where I live.

So as recap, so far I’ve visited a Catholic church, the Unitarian church, and a Quaker meeting. None have called out to me as a place I want to continue going to. There was a spiritual community (I’m trying not to use names since I don’t really want this blog coming up in google searches) that I went to a few times that I did really like, but they actually decided to close down because they didn’t have enough attendees or money. They were Christian, very open to incorporating other traditions, Open and Affirming, not very ethnically diverse, but both gay and straight. They met on Saturday mornings (the pastors used to be 7th Day Adventists), and the gathering consisted of a lecture, small and large group discussion, and one or two songs to close. In addition to the Saturday meetings, they met once a month and shared a meal and sang worship songs together. I only got to go once before they ended, but it was fun singing old praise songs that I hadn’t sung in awhile. “Shout to the Lord” brings up feelings of familiarity and nostalgia just like “The Old Rugged Cross” and other old hymns do for my dad and his generation. Also, every new moon they met and made vision boards together which I also loved. It was unfortunate that they had to close their ministry, but they might start some other kind of organization in the City so I may see them again.

So then a couple of Sundays ago, my mom was in town and we decided to try a new church. Dan knew a guy from our songwriter’s collective who leads worship at an emerging-type Christian church in the Castro so we decided to check it out. It was in a music venue and the place was packed- probably 300 or 400 people. I was surprised at how young they were- most of them seemed to be in their early 20s (maybe 70% white, 25% Asian American.) After I got over my initial triggering feelings that I was back at Campus Crusade for Christ in college, I was able to enjoy myself. They sang a lot of new praise songs that I mostly didn’t know, but they all sounded kind of folky because of the acoustic guitar and violionist so I enjoyed that. No one was dancing, but there were several people raising their hands. The preacher was funny and didn’t try too hard to be “hip” which is a temptation with all those youngens in attendance. He mentioned a few things that stuck out in my head including, “if you want to use Jesus to back your political party, then please don’t tell anyone about Jesus.” And if you want to use Jesus to keep this City in check, then please don’t tell anyone about Jesus.” So I know the emerging churches are trying to do things different than our parents did, but being Open and not Affirming to the LBGT community is mostly likely a deal-breaker for me so I’d have to ask around to see what their actual beliefs are. Although I definitely didn’t feel like, “oh these are my people!” I could see myself going back there if I needed a place to sing some praise songs every once in awhile.

The next Sunday, I went with Meghan and Cole to the Religious Science church in SF. Meghan had gone several times before since her sister and her partner attend there. It was a pretty small congregation- maybe 30 people in attendance. A simple service mostly revolving around a longer sermon, with a few songs lead by a singer and a keyboardist. The preaching was very good. He preached about many of the “new thought”-ish ideas and ways of living that I am currently reading about (Eckhart Tolle, Florence Scovell Schinn, Abraham Hicks, etc.). He actually reminded me of my old pastor Lynice and even preached on similar topics but with a slightly different vocabulary since it was a religious science and not Christian. They are Open and Affirming, mostly older folks, mostly white, although the pastor is African American. They were all very nice, and overall I think I could go back every once in awhile to hear a sermon to help integrate what I have been reading and trying to practice in my life. But I would need to find an additional place to actually praise God. It felt like more of self-help community than a place of worship.

I don't know if I'm looking for an additional church home that I attend semi-regularly, just exploring for exploring's sake, or if I'll just find little communities that may not fulfill every need (obviously), but that I may pop in every once in awhile to get a specific need met. But I'm having fun and meeting good people, and really didn't know that there were so many church-goers in San Francisco!

goodbye to nanner

So as I mentioned in the last blog, my nanny job is ending. :( His mom decided to put him into day care full time. Last Wednesday was my last day. I took a ton of video and photos, and his mom gave me a nice card and an orchid. I was sad that day, but it didn’t hit me until the next day when I accepted another nanny job how much I’m going to miss him. Also just needed to process if I wanted to get attached to another baby again since it’s so painful to part. But that’s what life is about, of course. I’m not going to not love people just because I’m scared I’ll be separated from them someday. I do believe we were in each others’ lives at just the right time. Among other things, I feel like I was supposed to model to his mom how to nurture him (and the cat too, for that matter). They are a lot closer than they were in the beginning and have a great bond now. He also just recently entered the stage where mommy is his favorite so it’s made it a lot easier to leave since I’m not making up stories about him needing me.


Here is what I wrote in the card I gave him:



It has been such a gift to be able to watch you these past months, starting when you were a tiny infant at 2 1/2 months, until now at 16 months, running around and learning to talk. I wanted to compile some of things we did together so I would remember and you could read it when you’re older.

When you were younger, we read books together, and I sang you a lot of songs. Some of your favorite songs were Old Macdonald, the Itsy Bitsy spider, Patty Cake, and Do Re Mi.

It was so fun when you first started to giggle. I repeated the stupidest noises over and over just to get you to laugh. One of our inside jokes goes like this, “Uhhhhh . . . achoo!” I have us doing this twice on video, once at about 6 months and then again at 16 months where we both still thought it was just as hilarious.

We went on lots of walks together, exploring the streets of SF when you were younger and when you got older, we played at the parks and recreation centers. I was with you the first time you touched grass! You were weirded out at first but then decided you liked it.

It was fun to watch you learn how to walk, eat solid foods, and talk! The first words I heard you attempt were diaper (dipuh) and bathroom (badoom).

Some of the other things we liked to do were: play chase, play peek-a-boo, make funny noises back and forth during meals, cuddle on the floor (but not for long due to your unstoppable energy and curiosity!), have dance parties, drum on everything, yoga (you had the breathing down and everything!), play with toys, and throw all the pillows into the middle of the room to make a pillow pit.

I will miss being your nanny and hanging out with you on a regular basis, but look forward to popping in to see you how you’ve changed and grown.

I love you,
_________

the story of Jasper

Neighbor Ted knocked on our door one night. “Are you missing a parakeet?” Um no. “Well there’s a stray parakeet who’s not afraid of people walking around the patio right now.”

I walked outside and Ted and I watched the little guy pecking around the cement patio for stray seeds. Ted informed me that he had knocked on a bunch of doors in the neighborhood already and nobody said they were missing their pet bird. He couldn’t fly well because his wings were clipped, and I was having visions of him clamped in the mouth of the neighborhood cats. We watched him for awhile and then when he flew on the rung of chair, I decided to bring the chair inside to see what he would do. He freaked out and flew back outside. I left the door open and then went to work convincing Dan that we should let him spend the night with us and then try to find his owner the next day. (Beside the cat hazard, I had googled that parakeets don’t usually survive outside in the area since they are originally from Australia.)

Meanwhile the little bird changed his mind about not wanting to be in our house and walked right back inside (probably remembering the warmth), hopped in the nearest plant and fell asleep! He must have been so tuckered out from whatever trauma had gotten him outside in the first place! I read that they eat millet so I put some millet and a bowl of water on the floor underneath the plant. We half-assedly bird-proofed the living room and went to bed.

Two days later, after nobody responded to the found parakeet signs we posted around the neighborhood, we were already pretty attached and were convinced that the little bird was a gift from God and his magical Universe straight to us. We had already been speculating how grounding he had been for us because we were both in a weird place job-wise. I had just found out my part-time nanny job was ending and was looking for a new one. And Dan was applying to jobs waiting to hear back and also contemplating new careers. So our new feathered friend was working as a much needed distraction from obsessing over the unknowns of our future.

That night we decided to get him a cage since he was currently living in the plant and pooping all over the wood floor. We picked him out the cutest cage, the prettiest toy, and the fanciest organic seed mix they had, and brought it home to him. The next day he was chirping more than he ever had, and it seemed clear that he was used to being in a cage and felt safe in his own space.

As the week went on, we decided to take down the signs in the neighbor hood and give him name! The name Jasper had been in my head since the first or second day. I had no idea why . . . I had never had an affinity for the name before and we didn’t even know he was a male until later in the week.

So Jasper it was, and one day, I looked up on the internet what the meaning of the Jasper stone was, and found out that the name had been divinely inspired because it described exactly what Jasper was bringing into our life including. . .“good in time of needed change without the chaos a total upheaval would cause” . . . “protecting us from ourselves” . . .”and keeping us grounded and from getting carried away, or lead astray, and being diverted from your goals.”

So we have a bird! Who would’ve thought? We’re reading up on how to get him to come in and out of the cage, we play music for him everyday (he LOVES Mumford and Sons and pretty much anything with a good beat), and we talk constantly about him to our friends, probably even more than our friends with actual human children talk about their children.

Oh! AND we’ve already duked it out over his last name so we’re all prepared for when we have kids. Jasper Kilmer-Nordheim. Dan gave in to the hyphen. :)

flying is weird

So I was a little nervous about riding the plane to the midwest. I was trying my best to prepare myself mentally. My overly-ambitious goal was to miraculously never be afraid of riding a plane again after this trip! My main issue is claustrophobia, and I constantly try to decide whether to get on the plane or not while at the airport. And even when I’m on the plane on the runway, I’m trying to decide whether to just sit there or whether I should jump up and start screaming, "Let me off this fucking plane!!"

So this time, I decided to make the decision to get on the plane and stay on the plane ahead of time. Trying to decide whether to ride or not is pretty dang anxiety provoking as you can imagine. So that part worked! The day of the flight, I told myself I was choosing to get on the plane no matter how afraid I was feeling. Nobody was forcing me to get on the plane. But there was a part of me that believed it would be okay and that part of me had already chosen to get on no matter what. (Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a dash of internal family systems, I think??) I walked on the plane without wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I wasn't too nervous about it!

However, it ended up to be a pretty uncomfortable flight. It was a non-stop red-eye, and I didn't sleep the whole way. (Dan did, of course.) I was feeling pretty symptomatic (migrainey, etc.) and fought anxiety on and off the whole time. Toward the end of a flight, a toddler was screaming at the top of his lungs, “I WANT THIS PLANE TO LAAAAAAND!!!!” It was awesome. Being a kid, he was probably soaking up all our collective anxiety, and I was so relieved somebody was expressing it!

But then we were there. I was relieved and happy and in the arms of Heidi-lou. But there was also a part of me still disappointed that it wasn't the miraculous fear-free flight that I was hoping for.

The flights back were slightly less uncomfortable. And I found myself again committed to getting on the flights no matter how afraid or uncomfortable I felt. We flew during the day and stopped halfway in Colorado which helped.

Now I’m back in SF, on the ground, not flying in some sort of weird contraption in the air having no freakin’ clue to the physics (?) of why it can fly . . .and I feel pretty satisfied at how it went. Just like it was easier on the flights back, I have hope that each flight will get less and less difficult. And I decided that baby steps toward a miracle are miraculous in themselves.

midwest is best

Back from a lovely trip to the Midwest!

Highlights include:

-surviving the plane rides- woo hoo!
-hanging with Hez and Matt in Evanston, finding a network chiro right in their neighborhood to fix me after the flight, a walk to Lake Michigan on warm, balmy night right before the storm came
-a real thunder and lightning storm to welcome us to the midwest! the power went out and everything!
- getting to Holland and meeting our niece and goddaughter Lily for the first time!
- a 4:00am trip to Meijer with Dan. It was 1:00am CA time- we have no idea why we were wide awake!
-hanging with Dan's family at Laura and Matt's beautiful home.
-Lily's baptism
-going to Saugatuck. I wouldn't mind having a summer home there.
-visiting Justin and fam and meeting Baby Connor
-Owen's quote: "Dad, how do you spell 'and then the goat kicked the sheep out of the barn?'"
-drive up to Mt. Pleasant- LOOOVE the fields and farms and flat!
-seeing Tarami and Justin and meeting Baby Channing for the first time! What a sweetie.
-dinner at Dad's with David, playing baseball in the yard
-blowing bubbles with Mom
-surprising the Ross boys at Caleb's open house. I almost started crying seeing each one of them run up to Dan to give him a huge hug. We didn't know if Caleb would remember him, but he ran up to us saying, "Dan and Jane! Dan and Jane!"
-Ian's open house
-hanging at David's beautiful home in Shepherd surrounded by cornfields
-Doozies icecream!
-more hanging with T and Justin
-church with Dad
-seeing Ryan and his family, meeting his girls for the first time!

Thanks, God, for the wonderful trip! Please help us find a way to spend our summers there! That would be awesome.

making the leap

So a few weeks ago I made the leap and decided to start up my body work business.

Originally, I was going to wait on a few things, including being completely healed physically, getting my massage certificate (makes sense, right?), and having enough money to rent a space to practice in. I, being a human (AND somewhat of a perfectionist), wanted to get my ducks all in row before embarking on this new journey! But the Powers-That-Be weren't about to make this a neat little process that I have control over. Why would they when it was utter chaos that got me switch careers in the first place?

SO I made a facebook invite announcing that I was starting my business, stating that I was super cheap since I'm not quite official yet and am working out of my home. And business hasn't been too bad so far! I've been seeing about 1 to 3 people a week, which feels like a good start while I'm still getting the hang of everything . . .

And it's so fun!! I can't believe I'm getting paid to touch people! Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing "business." Why are intake forms and writing receipts so fun to me? :)

I've mostly been doing a combo of massage and CranioSacral. I might just want to do strictly CranioSacral Therapy someday. But for now, massage has been a good way to introduce people to CST, and it's exciting to hear people's reactions to it when we debrief after the session . . . "What WAS that? . . .I was feeling this and this when you were . . ." And then I get to tell them about the amazing world of CST!

Next week I start only working with Nanner two days a week, so I'll have the rest of the week to finish up classes and see clients . . .AHH!!! Here I go!!!

constant communion and inner space

I’m reading a daily devotional book called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. In the intro, Sarah talks about receiving the devotions while listening in God’s presence, and each devotion is written in first person from Jesus’ point of view. (I think it’s also worth noting that the themes and language that “Jesus” uses in this book is extremely similar to the “Jesus” that Apostle Anne from Ireland channels in her monthtly e-mails! www.directionforourtimes.com)

Anyway, I’m really enjoying the daily reflections and receiving a lot of insight from meditating on them each morning. Here is one that has really stuck with me:

“I am calling you to a life a constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.

Talk with me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if things remain undone at the end of the day. Don’t let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.”

The part about to-do lists directing our lives instead of the Spirit is very relevant to me, as it probably is with most people in modern society. But also, the earlier part about yearning for a simplified lifestyle and needing to let go of the fantasy of an uncluttered world really struck a chord with me. My monkey mind is always saying, “Oh! If only I lived in the country. . . if only there wasn’t so much technology in the world . . . if only I was rich and didn’t have work. . . . THEN I would devote my life to listening to the Spirit and living in the present moment!”

But for now, I am not called to live the life of the monk in the middle of nowhere so this thinking gets me nowhere. Actually I’m starting to think that thinking in general gets me nowhere! Eckhart Tolle in “A New Earth” explains, “Thinking cuts reality up into lifeless fragments,” and he writes about trying to notice "the gaps" and leaving room for "inner space."

"In the first moment of seeing something or hearing a sound--and more so if it is unfamiliar-- before the mind names or interprets what you see or hear, there is usually a gap of alert attention in which the perception occurs. That is the inner space. . . The frequency and duration of those spaces determine your ability to enjoy life, to feel an interconnectedness with other human beings as well as nature. When you become conscious of these brief spaces as they happen naturally, they will lengthen, and as they do, you will experience with increasing frequency the joy of perceiving with little or no interference of thinking. The world around you then feels fresh, new and alive."

Doesn't this sound nice?

Okay, I’m going to stop thinking. Starting NOW!


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