hallelujah

I am getting better . . . All Glory to God!

Thank you to:

My network chiropractor
The founder of network chiropractic
My medical intuit
My therapist
My spiritual director
My energy worker/cranial sacral therapist
My holistic M.D.
Animals I’ve eaten
My church
My friends and family
Authors of books I’ve read
Jesus
The Holy Spirit
The Earth
The Sun
The Moon
The Universe
My intuition
Myself


There are a lot of things I don’t know and I am still in the midst of transition, healing, and an intense learning process. But these are things I do believe at this point in the journey:

I’m going through a spiritual awakening.
I’m changing direction in my life.
I experienced an intense “kundalini” event.
My worldview/cosmic view is shifting dramatically.
I don’t know exactly how I will make a living in the future but I have the desire to add some skills to my social work/therapy foundation, including reiki/energy work, cranial sacral therapy and spiritual direction.
I apparently had to hit rock bottom to make this shift.
I’m individuating from my partner and becoming less codependent and enmeshed.
I’m learning that I’m not only sensitive, but “a sensitive” and how I can use this as a gift and a blessing.

And I am finding the world and universe so so fascinating!!!!

quakin'

here i am i find myself followin’ in the footsteps of my mama cuz i’m shakin’ like my quakin’ great uncle penn send me what i need to know show me the way of my mama’s mama’s mama’s mama kundalini what what i’m just a midwestern gal coming from a land of kitty sweaters and box office jesus no no that’s not all small lakes and great lakes the greenest summers you’ll ever see developed me a taste for the sun won me over those three months a year dear set my heart on the golden promised land but found more than that. . . finding more than that.

here i am i find myself opened up myself to a thinly veiled region and legions won’t stop this shaker this quaker who thought I could be happy as a miss fan see but luckilee got my own path to follow hollow love no longer the cord is stronger and stretching toward wholeness and to quote the greatest songwriter “we’ll keep walkin’” we’ll keep walkin’.

here i am i find myself by myself and there are cords to be broken cords to be loosened cords to mend cords to stretch and the country is callin’ my mother fuckin’ name be still be still my mind and don’t even think of turning on that tv be still be still heart art of life and wait for sankofa this fall a wall to pass through new life to bear fruit root root root me in the this earth birth me roll me with the greater rhythms of life for the saturn of my soul is returning burning within me. . . i hear you! i hear You!!!!

it’s time to quake . . . it’s time to quake . . .

wait for the wave

I had another relevant dream the other night. I was drowning at the bottom of a lake, trying desperately to swim to the surface. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't swim to the top.

I then had the realization that a huge wave was coming and was going to bring me to shore. I waited for the wave and then woke up.

Spiritual/Mental/Physical

Somebody told me the other day that they thought I was making my illness more complicated than it was. That pissed me off. Partly because it offended my ego, of course. But mostly it made me mad because I’ve learned more than almost anything during this healing process, that illness is indeed so very very complicated. I believe it is always a combination of spiritual, emotional and physical when anyone ever gets sick or off balance.

But I also believe that one of my hindrances during this healing process definitely has been that I have been too focused on the physical. In the beginning, I remember that my intuition told me that something spiritual was happening, that I was changing directions in life, and that I had many lessons to learn. But then, I attempted to speed up the learning part and kept telling God, “Okay! I’ve learned all the lessons! Heal me! Now!” And when he didn’t give me the miracle that I was praying for, I got discouraged . . . and then scared . . . and then caught up all over again in the symptoms and the fear.

Just in the last month, I have become aware of a spiritual/physiological/emotional process that describes almost exactly what I’ve been going through, especially the first few months of this “illness.” I’ve gotten in touch with people to support me through the rest of the process . . .but I keep wondering, “Why didn’t You tell me about this in January, God??” A language for what was happening would have made the process so much easier and less frightening.

But I am coming to realize that the lessons that I was trying desperately to learn in the beginning, most definitely could not have been learned if I hadn’t gone THROUGH the process and not around it.

How would I have learned what my body needs nutritionally and other ways to care for myself physically if I thought this was merely a spiritual process that I was going through? How could I learn the balance of humility and trusting myself if I hadn’t had months of having to ask people for help, listening to their interpretation of what was going on, taking their advice sometimes, while at that same time holding my ground when I disagreed with them? How could I learn to individuate from important people in my life before having major disagreements with them? How could I learn to love my partner better if I don’t learn to love and accept all parts of myself? How can I expect society to accept my high sensitivity if I don’t accept it myself? And the big one . . . How can I trust God if I don’t learn to let go of fear and control????

There are many more lessons I’m learning and of course, I am not through learning them or ever will be in this lifetime. But I’m getting closer. And stronger.

I don’t want this to sound like I believe that God created this so that I could learn all this. Again, I believe the details of the circumstances that brought me to this place are extremely complicated. Was it me? Life? God? Destiny? My choices? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Probably a combination too big for my little brain to figure out.

But I do know that there are things to be learned, fears to confront and a new direction in my life that will be better fitted to how I am made. And THAT I’m excited about.

no thanks

After visiting a doctor a few days ago and being offered some medicine that I didn't want to take for various reasons, I had this dream:

I was riding my bike down a long road, but didn't know where I was or where I was going. Along the way, there was a pit stop where I decided to stop. Someone there was serving soda from a drinking fountain and offered me some. I said no thanks, and went along on my way.


Thank you cocky, close-minded, labeling, but good-intentioned Doctor for reminding me that western doctors are horrible at treating hard-to-diagnose, complicated illnesses. Thank you for forcing me to get my anxiety in check through my own means.

And . . . thank you for getting me in touch with a part of me that desperately needed to come out at this time. Remember the little girl who rallied for playground swings in the third grade? Remember the college student that stood on a couch leading a crowd in protest chants at the president of the university's symposium? Well she's back. And there's no way in hell she's drinking your soda when she's got access to all the water she needs.

I'm innocent

I had a dream a few nights ago that I had to go to a juvenile facility for two years for something I didn't do. In the dream, I kept trying to run away and hide from the authorities. I knew I was innocent. There was an orientation day for our last day of freedom before I was to enter the facility. My mom was there, and I had to give her my cat to take care of for the two years. But I decided to try to run away one more time with my cat. I told my mom, I might as well try. I drove off in a car but this man who worked at the facility came and found me. He was really nice, and I thought having a relationship with him would help get me through, but I was terrified of being locked in my room and not being able to get out. Then I started asking questions about what it would be like to live in the facility, like the size of the room and how often I would be let out of my room. Talking with him, I knew I had to do it even though I hadn't done anything wrong.
Then I woke up.

My health has been up and down, which has been very confusing. But I'm at the point where trying to live a stress-free life and eating nutritionally is not getting me better. I'm going to try and seek outside help again through western medicine and through alternative medicine. I'm not looking forward to the journey of trying to figure out what's wrong. I'm definitely not looking forward to trial and error. I'm scared. I don't know if I have the strength to go through this. I am really hoping for a miracle.

sleep talking

My partner, Dan, talks in his sleep. Because I'm a light sleeper, sometimes I wake up, ask him questions and write down what he answers so we can laugh about it the next day. He never remembers anything.

This is our conversation from last night:

Dan- (angrily) "I'm so sick of this shit."

(pause)

Dan- (sighs) "I don't know WHAT to do."

(a few seconds later)

Me- (looking for a clue on my healing journey) "Dan, what's the cure?"

Dan- "Out and about."

Me- "What?"

Dan- "Out and about."

Me- "What do you mean?"

Dan- "That's where the opening of the light is."

Me- "Where?"

Dan- "Oh .. . in the Mission." (a neighborhood in San Francisco)