So as I mentioned in the last blog, my nanny job is ending. :( His mom decided to put him into day care full time. Last Wednesday was my last day. I took a ton of video and photos, and his mom gave me a nice card and an orchid. I was sad that day, but it didn’t hit me until the next day when I accepted another nanny job how much I’m going to miss him. Also just needed to process if I wanted to get attached to another baby again since it’s so painful to part. But that’s what life is about, of course. I’m not going to not love people just because I’m scared I’ll be separated from them someday. I do believe we were in each others’ lives at just the right time. Among other things, I feel like I was supposed to model to his mom how to nurture him (and the cat too, for that matter). They are a lot closer than they were in the beginning and have a great bond now. He also just recently entered the stage where mommy is his favorite so it’s made it a lot easier to leave since I’m not making up stories about him needing me.
Here is what I wrote in the card I gave him:
It has been such a gift to be able to watch you these past months, starting when you were a tiny infant at 2 1/2 months, until now at 16 months, running around and learning to talk. I wanted to compile some of things we did together so I would remember and you could read it when you’re older.
When you were younger, we read books together, and I sang you a lot of songs. Some of your favorite songs were Old Macdonald, the Itsy Bitsy spider, Patty Cake, and Do Re Mi.
It was so fun when you first started to giggle. I repeated the stupidest noises over and over just to get you to laugh. One of our inside jokes goes like this, “Uhhhhh . . . achoo!” I have us doing this twice on video, once at about 6 months and then again at 16 months where we both still thought it was just as hilarious.
We went on lots of walks together, exploring the streets of SF when you were younger and when you got older, we played at the parks and recreation centers. I was with you the first time you touched grass! You were weirded out at first but then decided you liked it.
It was fun to watch you learn how to walk, eat solid foods, and talk! The first words I heard you attempt were diaper (dipuh) and bathroom (badoom).
Some of the other things we liked to do were: play chase, play peek-a-boo, make funny noises back and forth during meals, cuddle on the floor (but not for long due to your unstoppable energy and curiosity!), have dance parties, drum on everything, yoga (you had the breathing down and everything!), play with toys, and throw all the pillows into the middle of the room to make a pillow pit.
I will miss being your nanny and hanging out with you on a regular basis, but look forward to popping in to see you how you’ve changed and grown.
I love you,
_________
Monday, August 15, 2011
Sunday, August 14, 2011
the story of Jasper
Neighbor Ted knocked on our door one night. “Are you missing a parakeet?” Um no. “Well there’s a stray parakeet who’s not afraid of people walking around the patio right now.”
I walked outside and Ted and I watched the little guy pecking around the cement patio for stray seeds. Ted informed me that he had knocked on a bunch of doors in the neighborhood already and nobody said they were missing their pet bird. He couldn’t fly well because his wings were clipped, and I was having visions of him clamped in the mouth of the neighborhood cats. We watched him for awhile and then when he flew on the rung of chair, I decided to bring the chair inside to see what he would do. He freaked out and flew back outside. I left the door open and then went to work convincing Dan that we should let him spend the night with us and then try to find his owner the next day. (Beside the cat hazard, I had googled that parakeets don’t usually survive outside in the area since they are originally from Australia.)
Meanwhile the little bird changed his mind about not wanting to be in our house and walked right back inside (probably remembering the warmth), hopped in the nearest plant and fell asleep! He must have been so tuckered out from whatever trauma had gotten him outside in the first place! I read that they eat millet so I put some millet and a bowl of water on the floor underneath the plant. We half-assedly bird-proofed the living room and went to bed.
Two days later, after nobody responded to the found parakeet signs we posted around the neighborhood, we were already pretty attached and were convinced that the little bird was a gift from God and his magical Universe straight to us. We had already been speculating how grounding he had been for us because we were both in a weird place job-wise. I had just found out my part-time nanny job was ending and was looking for a new one. And Dan was applying to jobs waiting to hear back and also contemplating new careers. So our new feathered friend was working as a much needed distraction from obsessing over the unknowns of our future.
That night we decided to get him a cage since he was currently living in the plant and pooping all over the wood floor. We picked him out the cutest cage, the prettiest toy, and the fanciest organic seed mix they had, and brought it home to him. The next day he was chirping more than he ever had, and it seemed clear that he was used to being in a cage and felt safe in his own space.
As the week went on, we decided to take down the signs in the neighbor hood and give him name! The name Jasper had been in my head since the first or second day. I had no idea why . . . I had never had an affinity for the name before and we didn’t even know he was a male until later in the week.
So Jasper it was, and one day, I looked up on the internet what the meaning of the Jasper stone was, and found out that the name had been divinely inspired because it described exactly what Jasper was bringing into our life including. . .“good in time of needed change without the chaos a total upheaval would cause” . . . “protecting us from ourselves” . . .”and keeping us grounded and from getting carried away, or lead astray, and being diverted from your goals.”
So we have a bird! Who would’ve thought? We’re reading up on how to get him to come in and out of the cage, we play music for him everyday (he LOVES Mumford and Sons and pretty much anything with a good beat), and we talk constantly about him to our friends, probably even more than our friends with actual human children talk about their children.
Oh! AND we’ve already duked it out over his last name so we’re all prepared for when we have kids. Jasper Kilmer-Nordheim. Dan gave in to the hyphen. :)
I walked outside and Ted and I watched the little guy pecking around the cement patio for stray seeds. Ted informed me that he had knocked on a bunch of doors in the neighborhood already and nobody said they were missing their pet bird. He couldn’t fly well because his wings were clipped, and I was having visions of him clamped in the mouth of the neighborhood cats. We watched him for awhile and then when he flew on the rung of chair, I decided to bring the chair inside to see what he would do. He freaked out and flew back outside. I left the door open and then went to work convincing Dan that we should let him spend the night with us and then try to find his owner the next day. (Beside the cat hazard, I had googled that parakeets don’t usually survive outside in the area since they are originally from Australia.)
Meanwhile the little bird changed his mind about not wanting to be in our house and walked right back inside (probably remembering the warmth), hopped in the nearest plant and fell asleep! He must have been so tuckered out from whatever trauma had gotten him outside in the first place! I read that they eat millet so I put some millet and a bowl of water on the floor underneath the plant. We half-assedly bird-proofed the living room and went to bed.
Two days later, after nobody responded to the found parakeet signs we posted around the neighborhood, we were already pretty attached and were convinced that the little bird was a gift from God and his magical Universe straight to us. We had already been speculating how grounding he had been for us because we were both in a weird place job-wise. I had just found out my part-time nanny job was ending and was looking for a new one. And Dan was applying to jobs waiting to hear back and also contemplating new careers. So our new feathered friend was working as a much needed distraction from obsessing over the unknowns of our future.
That night we decided to get him a cage since he was currently living in the plant and pooping all over the wood floor. We picked him out the cutest cage, the prettiest toy, and the fanciest organic seed mix they had, and brought it home to him. The next day he was chirping more than he ever had, and it seemed clear that he was used to being in a cage and felt safe in his own space.
As the week went on, we decided to take down the signs in the neighbor hood and give him name! The name Jasper had been in my head since the first or second day. I had no idea why . . . I had never had an affinity for the name before and we didn’t even know he was a male until later in the week.
So Jasper it was, and one day, I looked up on the internet what the meaning of the Jasper stone was, and found out that the name had been divinely inspired because it described exactly what Jasper was bringing into our life including. . .“good in time of needed change without the chaos a total upheaval would cause” . . . “protecting us from ourselves” . . .”and keeping us grounded and from getting carried away, or lead astray, and being diverted from your goals.”
So we have a bird! Who would’ve thought? We’re reading up on how to get him to come in and out of the cage, we play music for him everyday (he LOVES Mumford and Sons and pretty much anything with a good beat), and we talk constantly about him to our friends, probably even more than our friends with actual human children talk about their children.
Oh! AND we’ve already duked it out over his last name so we’re all prepared for when we have kids. Jasper Kilmer-Nordheim. Dan gave in to the hyphen. :)
Monday, July 18, 2011
flying is weird
So I was a little nervous about riding the plane to the midwest. I was trying my best to prepare myself mentally. My overly-ambitious goal was to miraculously never be afraid of riding a plane again after this trip! My main issue is claustrophobia, and I constantly try to decide whether to get on the plane or not while at the airport. And even when I’m on the plane on the runway, I’m trying to decide whether to just sit there or whether I should jump up and start screaming, "Let me off this fucking plane!!"
So this time, I decided to make the decision to get on the plane and stay on the plane ahead of time. Trying to decide whether to ride or not is pretty dang anxiety provoking as you can imagine. So that part worked! The day of the flight, I told myself I was choosing to get on the plane no matter how afraid I was feeling. Nobody was forcing me to get on the plane. But there was a part of me that believed it would be okay and that part of me had already chosen to get on no matter what. (Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a dash of internal family systems, I think??) I walked on the plane without wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I wasn't too nervous about it!
However, it ended up to be a pretty uncomfortable flight. It was a non-stop red-eye, and I didn't sleep the whole way. (Dan did, of course.) I was feeling pretty symptomatic (migrainey, etc.) and fought anxiety on and off the whole time. Toward the end of a flight, a toddler was screaming at the top of his lungs, “I WANT THIS PLANE TO LAAAAAAND!!!!” It was awesome. Being a kid, he was probably soaking up all our collective anxiety, and I was so relieved somebody was expressing it!
But then we were there. I was relieved and happy and in the arms of Heidi-lou. But there was also a part of me still disappointed that it wasn't the miraculous fear-free flight that I was hoping for.
The flights back were slightly less uncomfortable. And I found myself again committed to getting on the flights no matter how afraid or uncomfortable I felt. We flew during the day and stopped halfway in Colorado which helped.
Now I’m back in SF, on the ground, not flying in some sort of weird contraption in the air having no freakin’ clue to the physics (?) of why it can fly . . .and I feel pretty satisfied at how it went. Just like it was easier on the flights back, I have hope that each flight will get less and less difficult. And I decided that baby steps toward a miracle are miraculous in themselves.
So this time, I decided to make the decision to get on the plane and stay on the plane ahead of time. Trying to decide whether to ride or not is pretty dang anxiety provoking as you can imagine. So that part worked! The day of the flight, I told myself I was choosing to get on the plane no matter how afraid I was feeling. Nobody was forcing me to get on the plane. But there was a part of me that believed it would be okay and that part of me had already chosen to get on no matter what. (Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a dash of internal family systems, I think??) I walked on the plane without wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I wasn't too nervous about it!
However, it ended up to be a pretty uncomfortable flight. It was a non-stop red-eye, and I didn't sleep the whole way. (Dan did, of course.) I was feeling pretty symptomatic (migrainey, etc.) and fought anxiety on and off the whole time. Toward the end of a flight, a toddler was screaming at the top of his lungs, “I WANT THIS PLANE TO LAAAAAAND!!!!” It was awesome. Being a kid, he was probably soaking up all our collective anxiety, and I was so relieved somebody was expressing it!
But then we were there. I was relieved and happy and in the arms of Heidi-lou. But there was also a part of me still disappointed that it wasn't the miraculous fear-free flight that I was hoping for.
The flights back were slightly less uncomfortable. And I found myself again committed to getting on the flights no matter how afraid or uncomfortable I felt. We flew during the day and stopped halfway in Colorado which helped.
Now I’m back in SF, on the ground, not flying in some sort of weird contraption in the air having no freakin’ clue to the physics (?) of why it can fly . . .and I feel pretty satisfied at how it went. Just like it was easier on the flights back, I have hope that each flight will get less and less difficult. And I decided that baby steps toward a miracle are miraculous in themselves.
Sunday, July 17, 2011
midwest is best
Back from a lovely trip to the Midwest!
Highlights include:
-surviving the plane rides- woo hoo!
-hanging with Hez and Matt in Evanston, finding a network chiro right in their neighborhood to fix me after the flight, a walk to Lake Michigan on warm, balmy night right before the storm came
-a real thunder and lightning storm to welcome us to the midwest! the power went out and everything!
- getting to Holland and meeting our niece and goddaughter Lily for the first time!
- a 4:00am trip to Meijer with Dan. It was 1:00am CA time- we have no idea why we were wide awake!
-hanging with Dan's family at Laura and Matt's beautiful home.
-Lily's baptism
-going to Saugatuck. I wouldn't mind having a summer home there.
-visiting Justin and fam and meeting Baby Connor
-Owen's quote: "Dad, how do you spell 'and then the goat kicked the sheep out of the barn?'"
-drive up to Mt. Pleasant- LOOOVE the fields and farms and flat!
-seeing Tarami and Justin and meeting Baby Channing for the first time! What a sweetie.
-dinner at Dad's with David, playing baseball in the yard
-blowing bubbles with Mom
-surprising the Ross boys at Caleb's open house. I almost started crying seeing each one of them run up to Dan to give him a huge hug. We didn't know if Caleb would remember him, but he ran up to us saying, "Dan and Jane! Dan and Jane!"
-Ian's open house
-hanging at David's beautiful home in Shepherd surrounded by cornfields
-Doozies icecream!
-more hanging with T and Justin
-church with Dad
-seeing Ryan and his family, meeting his girls for the first time!
Thanks, God, for the wonderful trip! Please help us find a way to spend our summers there! That would be awesome.
Highlights include:
-surviving the plane rides- woo hoo!
-hanging with Hez and Matt in Evanston, finding a network chiro right in their neighborhood to fix me after the flight, a walk to Lake Michigan on warm, balmy night right before the storm came
-a real thunder and lightning storm to welcome us to the midwest! the power went out and everything!
- getting to Holland and meeting our niece and goddaughter Lily for the first time!
- a 4:00am trip to Meijer with Dan. It was 1:00am CA time- we have no idea why we were wide awake!
-hanging with Dan's family at Laura and Matt's beautiful home.
-Lily's baptism
-going to Saugatuck. I wouldn't mind having a summer home there.
-visiting Justin and fam and meeting Baby Connor
-Owen's quote: "Dad, how do you spell 'and then the goat kicked the sheep out of the barn?'"
-drive up to Mt. Pleasant- LOOOVE the fields and farms and flat!
-seeing Tarami and Justin and meeting Baby Channing for the first time! What a sweetie.
-dinner at Dad's with David, playing baseball in the yard
-blowing bubbles with Mom
-surprising the Ross boys at Caleb's open house. I almost started crying seeing each one of them run up to Dan to give him a huge hug. We didn't know if Caleb would remember him, but he ran up to us saying, "Dan and Jane! Dan and Jane!"
-Ian's open house
-hanging at David's beautiful home in Shepherd surrounded by cornfields
-Doozies icecream!
-more hanging with T and Justin
-church with Dad
-seeing Ryan and his family, meeting his girls for the first time!
Thanks, God, for the wonderful trip! Please help us find a way to spend our summers there! That would be awesome.
Monday, May 30, 2011
making the leap
So a few weeks ago I made the leap and decided to start up my body work business.
Originally, I was going to wait on a few things, including being completely healed physically, getting my massage certificate (makes sense, right?), and having enough money to rent a space to practice in. I, being a human (AND somewhat of a perfectionist), wanted to get my ducks all in row before embarking on this new journey! But the Powers-That-Be weren't about to make this a neat little process that I have control over. Why would they when it was utter chaos that got me switch careers in the first place?
SO I made a facebook invite announcing that I was starting my business, stating that I was super cheap since I'm not quite official yet and am working out of my home. And business hasn't been too bad so far! I've been seeing about 1 to 3 people a week, which feels like a good start while I'm still getting the hang of everything . . .
And it's so fun!! I can't believe I'm getting paid to touch people! Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing "business." Why are intake forms and writing receipts so fun to me? :)
I've mostly been doing a combo of massage and CranioSacral. I might just want to do strictly CranioSacral Therapy someday. But for now, massage has been a good way to introduce people to CST, and it's exciting to hear people's reactions to it when we debrief after the session . . . "What WAS that? . . .I was feeling this and this when you were . . ." And then I get to tell them about the amazing world of CST!
Next week I start only working with Nanner two days a week, so I'll have the rest of the week to finish up classes and see clients . . .AHH!!! Here I go!!!
Originally, I was going to wait on a few things, including being completely healed physically, getting my massage certificate (makes sense, right?), and having enough money to rent a space to practice in. I, being a human (AND somewhat of a perfectionist), wanted to get my ducks all in row before embarking on this new journey! But the Powers-That-Be weren't about to make this a neat little process that I have control over. Why would they when it was utter chaos that got me switch careers in the first place?
SO I made a facebook invite announcing that I was starting my business, stating that I was super cheap since I'm not quite official yet and am working out of my home. And business hasn't been too bad so far! I've been seeing about 1 to 3 people a week, which feels like a good start while I'm still getting the hang of everything . . .
And it's so fun!! I can't believe I'm getting paid to touch people! Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing "business." Why are intake forms and writing receipts so fun to me? :)
I've mostly been doing a combo of massage and CranioSacral. I might just want to do strictly CranioSacral Therapy someday. But for now, massage has been a good way to introduce people to CST, and it's exciting to hear people's reactions to it when we debrief after the session . . . "What WAS that? . . .I was feeling this and this when you were . . ." And then I get to tell them about the amazing world of CST!
Next week I start only working with Nanner two days a week, so I'll have the rest of the week to finish up classes and see clients . . .AHH!!! Here I go!!!
constant communion and inner space
I’m reading a daily devotional book called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. In the intro, Sarah talks about receiving the devotions while listening in God’s presence, and each devotion is written in first person from Jesus’ point of view. (I think it’s also worth noting that the themes and language that “Jesus” uses in this book is extremely similar to the “Jesus” that Apostle Anne from Ireland channels in her monthtly e-mails! www.directionforourtimes.com)
Anyway, I’m really enjoying the daily reflections and receiving a lot of insight from meditating on them each morning. Here is one that has really stuck with me:
The part about to-do lists directing our lives instead of the Spirit is very relevant to me, as it probably is with most people in modern society. But also, the earlier part about yearning for a simplified lifestyle and needing to let go of the fantasy of an uncluttered world really struck a chord with me. My monkey mind is always saying, “Oh! If only I lived in the country. . . if only there wasn’t so much technology in the world . . . if only I was rich and didn’t have work. . . . THEN I would devote my life to listening to the Spirit and living in the present moment!”
But for now, I am not called to live the life of the monk in the middle of nowhere so this thinking gets me nowhere. Actually I’m starting to think that thinking in general gets me nowhere! Eckhart Tolle in “A New Earth” explains, “Thinking cuts reality up into lifeless fragments,” and he writes about trying to notice "the gaps" and leaving room for "inner space."
Doesn't this sound nice?
Okay, I’m going to stop thinking. Starting NOW!
-
Anyway, I’m really enjoying the daily reflections and receiving a lot of insight from meditating on them each morning. Here is one that has really stuck with me:
“I am calling you to a life a constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.
Talk with me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if things remain undone at the end of the day. Don’t let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.”
The part about to-do lists directing our lives instead of the Spirit is very relevant to me, as it probably is with most people in modern society. But also, the earlier part about yearning for a simplified lifestyle and needing to let go of the fantasy of an uncluttered world really struck a chord with me. My monkey mind is always saying, “Oh! If only I lived in the country. . . if only there wasn’t so much technology in the world . . . if only I was rich and didn’t have work. . . . THEN I would devote my life to listening to the Spirit and living in the present moment!”
But for now, I am not called to live the life of the monk in the middle of nowhere so this thinking gets me nowhere. Actually I’m starting to think that thinking in general gets me nowhere! Eckhart Tolle in “A New Earth” explains, “Thinking cuts reality up into lifeless fragments,” and he writes about trying to notice "the gaps" and leaving room for "inner space."
"In the first moment of seeing something or hearing a sound--and more so if it is unfamiliar-- before the mind names or interprets what you see or hear, there is usually a gap of alert attention in which the perception occurs. That is the inner space. . . The frequency and duration of those spaces determine your ability to enjoy life, to feel an interconnectedness with other human beings as well as nature. When you become conscious of these brief spaces as they happen naturally, they will lengthen, and as they do, you will experience with increasing frequency the joy of perceiving with little or no interference of thinking. The world around you then feels fresh, new and alive."
Doesn't this sound nice?
Okay, I’m going to stop thinking. Starting NOW!
-
Wednesday, May 25, 2011
growth spurt
hey blog-
it's been an interesting year so far. I feel like I've been on a little growth spurt, since I made all those intentions around my birthday. Like I've said before, be careful what you wish/intend/pray for!
My body has been doing some "reorganizing." That's what they call it at the network chiropractic cult that I'm a part of. Quite literally I had a growth spurt the other night. Network chiropractic teaches our body to allow a spontaneous wave through the spine and it often will adjust (crack) itself in several places. After a particularly productive "unwinding" the other night, I felt like I had stretched so much, I had Dan measure me and I was 3/4 of an inch taller than what it says on my license!
And on the spiritual and mental side of things, I'm trying to continue to integrate new patterns of thinking and ways of being:
-still trying to live moment by moment, lead by the Spirit, my spirit, and/or body.
-trying not to be a slave to my to-do list, the one in my mind, not just the one written down.
-DOING things, sometimes I'll spend so much time making lists and plans but I won't execute them! It's time to DO!
-refusing to spend time worrying
-surrendering to the ebb and flow of life (oldie, but a goodie)
-playing around with the Law of Attraction (might as well!)
-trying to be my "soulself". that's what I've been calling it. trying to listen to what my soul wants to do instead of this crazy To-Doer. this mostly includes dancing and moving, singing, being loud!!, and being around nature.
-letting go, falling back into my body instead of trying to rush forward. mantras have helped me with this lately.
AND
-taking my power back. not sure from who. probably my monkey mind!
it's been an interesting year so far. I feel like I've been on a little growth spurt, since I made all those intentions around my birthday. Like I've said before, be careful what you wish/intend/pray for!
My body has been doing some "reorganizing." That's what they call it at the network chiropractic cult that I'm a part of. Quite literally I had a growth spurt the other night. Network chiropractic teaches our body to allow a spontaneous wave through the spine and it often will adjust (crack) itself in several places. After a particularly productive "unwinding" the other night, I felt like I had stretched so much, I had Dan measure me and I was 3/4 of an inch taller than what it says on my license!
And on the spiritual and mental side of things, I'm trying to continue to integrate new patterns of thinking and ways of being:
-still trying to live moment by moment, lead by the Spirit, my spirit, and/or body.
-trying not to be a slave to my to-do list, the one in my mind, not just the one written down.
-DOING things, sometimes I'll spend so much time making lists and plans but I won't execute them! It's time to DO!
-refusing to spend time worrying
-surrendering to the ebb and flow of life (oldie, but a goodie)
-playing around with the Law of Attraction (might as well!)
-trying to be my "soulself". that's what I've been calling it. trying to listen to what my soul wants to do instead of this crazy To-Doer. this mostly includes dancing and moving, singing, being loud!!, and being around nature.
-letting go, falling back into my body instead of trying to rush forward. mantras have helped me with this lately.
AND
-taking my power back. not sure from who. probably my monkey mind!
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