ease

I lead the prayer time at church again today. Here's what I said:


I was on the beach in Pacifica for my 31st birthday and asked the Holy Spirit that if there was one thing it would have me focus on this year, what would that be?  I already had a very detailed list of goals and intentions I had set for myself for the new year and was curious what God would say was the most important from the list.  God, of course being God, didn’t name one thing from my long list of self-improvement goals.  I simply heard, “Be easy.”  

Be easy.  

I immediately thought of an example of this “easiness” that I believed the Spirit was referring to.  In 2009, I went through a healing crisis, as many of you know, that after much physical and emotional distress, finally lead me to a career switch among many other changes.  One of the physical symptoms I experienced that year was dizziness and other balance-related issues, which caused me to have motion sickness when I drove in a car.  After a while, as I attempted to surrender to the healing process, I was lead, step by step, towards health and my dizziness started to dissipate.  But I was still feeling the dizziness when I was in a car.  And instead of focusing on what was working and healing in my life, I chose to focus on what I was not able to do and was very hard on myself.  I was done with this whole “sick thing” and just wanted to get it over with already and be back to “normal.”  I kept trying to force myself to drive and then feeling sick when I did, which would increase the fear, which made everything worse especially the dizziness, I’m sure.  

So I eventually surrendered to the fact that whatever I was doing was not working, and I stopped trying so hard.  I went to God. . . . I slowed down. . . . I asked, “What am I missing?” and “What else can I learn from this?”  And then tried to listen to what the next step was in this whole, slooow healing process that God was leading me through, and that I was starting to have faith in.  I began following the Spirit’s subtle instructions again, listening to the still small voice, instead of trying to rush into something I thought that I should be doing.  And lo and behold, one day I found myself driving again.  I was very surprised about how easy a transition it was!  There was no pushing.  There wasn’t even any fear.  The instructions the Spirit had given me towards healing had prepared me, had fully dissipated the motion sick feeling this time, and I was driving again.  I was ready, and it was easy.  I did it with ease.

Contrary to what I believe our society constantly tells us, it’s not always about pushing ourselves.  God wants to be so gentle with us.  Way way way more gentle than we are with ourselves most of the time.  And it’s not about focusing on the one thing or the many things that we want to change.  We can ask ourselves, “Where do we already have ease in our lives and how can we build on that?"  "How can we slow down and join God’s process in God’s timing?”  When we’re doing things with God, in God’s timing, I believe there is not overwhelm.  There is ease.  Overwhelm can be our clue that we’re not letting God in.  That’s how I’ve been using it in my life.  (And I sense that many in this congregation also experience this overwhelm being the activists and self-improvement junkies that we are.)  He wants to carry us along with ease.  He wants us to “be easy.” With God, in God’s timing, there is ease.  And there is joy.

Today, let’s pray together in silence and ask God how can we “be easy” today.  How can we build on what’s going well in our lives and leave room for even more ease and more joy. . . within ourselves, with those around us, in church while we plan our future structure, and with the work we do in the world.  Let us pray.

next steps

I really don't talk about my healing crisis of 2009 much in my life at all, but I seem to mention it a lot in this blog.  I started the blog during that time.  And the blog has mostly been an outlet where I can process the amazing path that has unfolded since my Saturn return so I guess it makes sense.  I know I'm so early in the process of this new path, and in the future, I think it will be interesting to look back and read how I got to where I am/will be.  Not that I think everything I did before 2009 was irrelevant.  Not at all!  Lately it's been clear that my degrees in social work will be an essential part of what I do in the future.  I think.  Who knows?  It's exciting not to know and not to plan.  And to just trust.  The hard part for me is not rushing.  And to stay in this era, which mostly seems to be about learning.  So anyways, these are my rambling thoughts that are supposed to eventually transition into telling you, blog readers (hi mom!) about what's been unfolding as of late in regards to my health and my business, which are (surprise!) extremely related.  


So I talked about in a previous blog about my adventures with parasites and in return, my adventures with healthy eating.  This has also been exacerbated by the knowledge that I also have candida (yeast overgrowth) so I'm now learning even more about digestive health.  So then last November during some Reiki with Meg, I realized that I needed to figure out what the next step is after I graduate from massage school, besides continuing CranioSacral classes and continuing my business.  So while Dan was in Minnesota for Thanksgiving, I decided to devote the week to trying to discern and listen to what was next.  


Looking back on it, I think it only took about one day to figure out my next step.  I was thinking about what skills I wanted to provide to my current and future clients, and decided that I was always trying to give them nutrition advice even though I have no background in nutrition.  I've just come to realize how important it is in overall health (like THE most important).  And when my clients are coming to me with whatever complaints, nutrition is almost always involved in the whole picture.  And it goes along with the holistic viewpoint- that it's impossible to treat one isolated aspect of a person.  And it goes along with everything I learned from my own healing crisis- how it wasn't one thing that went wrong, and it wasn't one thing that helped me get back into balance again.  Treating the whole body, mind and soul was and is essential.  


So that week, I came to the conclusion that the next step on my educational path is getting my nutritional consulting certificate.  I researched several schools and decided on one located Santa Cruz.  It's an independent study/long distance learning so I'll be doing it at my own pace throughout this year.  I started in January and have been soaking in all the yummy info since!  


That month I also officially graduated from massage school!  On my last day of class, my favorite teacher Karen asked what we were going to do next.  I mentioned that I was looking for a space to practice, and she mentioned that she doesn't use her space 3 days a week.  I had already been looking for a place and wasn't having any "luck."  So after visiting her place and talking prices (she gave me an awesome deal), I got the keys to the place last week!  It's super cute, and right in the neighborhood.  I'm going to rent 6 hours on Saturdays for now, and add more days as I get more clients.  My chiropractor also offered her place so I'm going to use their extra room on Sundays on an as-needed basis.   I'm so excited!  I'm ready to have my own apartment to myself (oh and Dan).  And I want to be able to cook fish and garlic and not have to worry about the smell for when my next client is coming in next!  

So that's where I am now.  I have so many other body work skills I want to learn (acupressure, visceral manipulation, lymph drainage, and reiki to name a few!), but my goal is attempt to try to stay in the present and enjoy where I am now!

2011

2011 was filled with . . .

Babies!  Evan, Baby V, Lily and Channing in Michigan, Georgia in Santa Cruz, all the Blanks babies . . .

Family and friends visiting!  (Cathy and a pregnant Laura, Heidi, Brenda, Matt, Mom, Aunt Judy, Aunt Jan and Cousin Kate!)

Watching Evan grow and then letting him go when he entered day care

New job with Baby V

FDB and YD shows

A perfectly magical 30^th birthday with my girlfriends at the ocean

Wisconsin solidarity and Occupy protests

Barbecues, b-ball, and wiffle ball with friends!

Pacifica afternoons

Santa Cruz weekends

A wonderful trip to Michigan

Massage school

Starting my business!

Working on clients in the living room

Awesome barters with a hairstylist, a reiki master, and a fashion consultant!

Jasper found us!!! Our new beloved family member

Trip to Nevada City for Cousin Kevin’s engagement celebration

Started a crafting group with the neighbors- the Craftea B’s

First congo gatherings

Walks to the park with Dan and reading/writing dates at our favorite tea place

Dan applying and interviewing all year and finally getting a new job in November!!!

My new tattoo

Self care . . . network chiropractic, craniosacral, and my new nutritionist . . .

Cooking, eating hella healthy, and feeling better!

A quiet Christmas with Dan and New Years in the Santa Cruz mountains with friends

So very grateful.

body art

Some words about my body art ritual . . .

18, freshman

too large too fast! panic!

In Columbus riding in a shopping cart

A flower, not a dandelion

but yellow

scar hanging onto heaven by a thread

growth and love opening opening forming forming marching learning

heard the news at the kitchen table through a tunnel of grief like a warrior broken family album

23, spontaneous matching japanese kanji, hope of something more

love love love love encircled joy new traditions grief and healing

25, retouching, preparing moving goodbyes exploration anxiety

new our ways our life our family our love our sun our rain our home

not quite

whoa, saturn returning crashing,  Stop.  Restart.

heritage healing healer oh hello body hello spirit body body body my path surrender surrendering learning learning learning new new new opening like a . . .

30, leaf, gratitude path Godtree letting go trusting

hope joy learning learning . . .

occupy

Answering a friend’s question on facebook a few weeks ago about why the occupiers are protesting . . . .

Yeah I can definitely see how it can be confusing to people.  I think there are a number of reasons that Occupy has not asked for specific demands so far.  The original call to action from Adbusters was to protest the corporate take over of the government.  So there are many people who still are specifically focused on this and issues related like corporate personhood, corporate lobbying, bank bail outs, casino capitalism, etc., and there is even a working group in New York called Demands who are pushing for the movement to come up with specific demands related to “Corporatocracy.”  But Occupy has also taken on a mind of its own since the first call to action, and there are many protesters (and it seems like they may be the majority since they haven’t made any demands yet) that believe that we need a whole new system and way of being altogether and that by making any demands within the current system would be an affirmation of it.

Also, another issue is that for the first time in a long time, there is a movement that is drawing people together all over the country and the world, which is great, but the difficult part is we all have so many pet issues that we would like to address.  Picking one might alienate the others, and at least for now, we want the movement to keep growing and growing and becoming stronger and stronger. 

I think there are a few purposes of trying this new tactic of sustained protest and encampment.  Because of the radical change that is desired, I think campers are making the statement that they are not just asking for one thing and then are going to go away and return to the status quo.  They are sick of the status quo.  And for the people that are calling for more specific changes, I believe their statement is about holding those in power accountable for the injustices and letting them know that we are not going to forget what they did/are doing like we have in the past.  Also, as messy as it may look because of the numbers of people and differing opinions, the encampments give us a space to come together to discuss what we desire and envision for the nation and world . . .a chance for people to connect face to face in real time instead of just on the internet.

So who knows what will come of everything.  But there has not been this much energy around change in this country since the 1960s, and I am personally excited to see so many young people engaged for once instead of the usual attitude of apathy and being too cool (and/or distracted) to care about anything of significance.  I want to support the movement any way I can.

Although there are not many sound bites that the media have been able to get out of the movement due to the enormity and complexity of the grievances and desires and the many different people and opinions, the “we are the 99%” slogan has been something that seems to have taken hold.  You probably have already seen this site, but it just shows example after example of why the current system is not working for the majority of people in the U.S. right now:

http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

And here is the list of grievances that Occupy put out in the beginning so you can see why we might be protesting for a long time J :

http://occupywallst.org/forum/first-official-release-from-occupy-wall-street/

And this is a link to an article by Matt Taibbi in the Rolling Stone that I highly recommend concerning the movement not having specific messages and demands and how the media is portraying the movement, etc.

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/how-i-stopped-worrying-and-learned-to-love-the-ows-protests-20111110#ixzz1dJytaKL9

eating for thousands

 So I’m trying to get rid of a parasite.  Yum. 

If you’ve ever had a parasite, you might know that it is a little difficult to get rid of.  To put it bluntly, there are too many bugs and too many eggs hidden in the tissue of my digestive organs to get rid of with a quick dose of antibiotics. Depending on the bugs, it can be a very slow and tedious.  You have to slowly make an inhospitable environment for the little buggers over time.  And if too many of them leave at once, everything else you’ve eaten goes with them, and you lose important nutrients like electrolytes, etc.  Fun, huh?

After I found out that I had one almost a year ago, I went to several different doctors, nutritionists, and friends that all had different advice.  But I finally found a nutritionist this summer whose advice really rang true for me, and I’ve been feeling really good ever since!!  I’ve been holding onto more meals and not feeling weak or migrainey.  Woo hoo!  I definitely think that I had this parasite during my chaotic 2009, and a lack of nutrition greatly influenced everything that happened that year.  (But of course, I have no regrets. Thank God for my Saturn Return!)

So part of my regimen includes eating a LOT more than I used to.  I eat at least 5 meals a day.  There’s a TON of things I can’t eat, so it’s easier to say what I am eating, which is:  hella protein including animal and fish protein, nuts and eggs, gluten-free grains, hella low-sugar vegetables, and the only processed food I eat is almond milk and almond butter.  I’m also trying to get rid of Candida (yeast overgrowth) at the same time so I’m eating very minimal fruit.  The food that I’m adding to my diet that slowly kills parasites and yeast are: probiotic/fermented food (saurkraut, kefir, yogurt, etc.), garlic, onions, coconut oil, ginger and pretty much any and all spices.

It’s challenging to have an extremely strict diet as you can imagine.  I miss chips most of all.  And I’ve been gluten-free for a few years now, but I still dream about garlic bread and pancakes.  Mmmmm.  It sucks going out to eat, and a couple of times I’ve felt like crying trying to find something on the menu to eat.  Everyone is watching while I try to find something I can eat, asking,  “Can you eat this?  Can you eat that?”  And I keep having to say, “No . .  .no . . .no”  It’s made me really feel for the hardcore vegans and better understand why they have to be so militant about it sometimes.   It takes a lot of discipline and confidence to have a different diet than everybody else.

But it’s not all woe-is-me!  I’m learning how to eat healthy, and I think this diet would be good for anyone even if they didn’t have a parasite.  I can’t imagine ever going back to a processed gluten diet in the future.  And at times, I’ve resented the fact that shopping and preparing and cooking food is such a gigantic part of my life.  But what the fuck else would I be doing?  Eating keeps us alive.  It’s kind of important.  And of course, in tons of other cultures their entire day revolves around cooking and eating. 

So since it IS such a huge part of my life now, I’ve been forced to enjoy it.  :)  And appreciate it.  And ritualize the grocery shopping.  And ritualize the cooking.  And get creative with my meals.  And learn to use spices.  And slow down when I eat.   And most of all, be thankful.

nanny update

So I’ve been at my new nanny job for 8 weeks now.  Baby V was about 3 1/2 months when I started.  She’s super cute, of course.  Having some distance from my last job has allowed me to do some processing.  I feel so much more relaxed with the new family.  Baby V’s mom is home sometimes and is much more pleasant to be around since she doesn’t use me as a soundboard to complain about anything and everything.  We actually have conversations where I get to speak too.  And most importantly, I don’t feel like I have to make up for any loss of love or attention that the baby isn’t getting.  Baby V’s mom is super attentive and empathic with her daughter.  I did not know what a RELIEF this would be!  This is allowing me to have a healthier, less intense relationship with her.   I just feel like I go and chill with Baby V instead of playing a protective role and trying to fill her up emotionally.  Phew!

Meanwhile, I didn’t see Baby E for about 6 weeks and did a lot of grieving and processing during that time.  Then the day care that they were sending him to didn’t work out (one of the workers showed up to the day care stoned) so I started helping out with him one to two days a week.  It was wonderful to see him and I was relieved that he remembered me and also that he was doing just fine without me! ;) They just found a new day care for him last week so I don’t know how often I’ll be seeing him.  But I feel like being with him the last month has been sort of a good weaning process for me and I feel more able to let go now.  Also, hoping his mom has seen how much I care about him, and will keep calling me when she needs an extra hand!