no thanks

After visiting a doctor a few days ago and being offered some medicine that I didn't want to take for various reasons, I had this dream:

I was riding my bike down a long road, but didn't know where I was or where I was going. Along the way, there was a pit stop where I decided to stop. Someone there was serving soda from a drinking fountain and offered me some. I said no thanks, and went along on my way.


Thank you cocky, close-minded, labeling, but good-intentioned Doctor for reminding me that western doctors are horrible at treating hard-to-diagnose, complicated illnesses. Thank you for forcing me to get my anxiety in check through my own means.

And . . . thank you for getting me in touch with a part of me that desperately needed to come out at this time. Remember the little girl who rallied for playground swings in the third grade? Remember the college student that stood on a couch leading a crowd in protest chants at the president of the university's symposium? Well she's back. And there's no way in hell she's drinking your soda when she's got access to all the water she needs.

I'm innocent

I had a dream a few nights ago that I had to go to a juvenile facility for two years for something I didn't do. In the dream, I kept trying to run away and hide from the authorities. I knew I was innocent. There was an orientation day for our last day of freedom before I was to enter the facility. My mom was there, and I had to give her my cat to take care of for the two years. But I decided to try to run away one more time with my cat. I told my mom, I might as well try. I drove off in a car but this man who worked at the facility came and found me. He was really nice, and I thought having a relationship with him would help get me through, but I was terrified of being locked in my room and not being able to get out. Then I started asking questions about what it would be like to live in the facility, like the size of the room and how often I would be let out of my room. Talking with him, I knew I had to do it even though I hadn't done anything wrong.
Then I woke up.

My health has been up and down, which has been very confusing. But I'm at the point where trying to live a stress-free life and eating nutritionally is not getting me better. I'm going to try and seek outside help again through western medicine and through alternative medicine. I'm not looking forward to the journey of trying to figure out what's wrong. I'm definitely not looking forward to trial and error. I'm scared. I don't know if I have the strength to go through this. I am really hoping for a miracle.

sleep talking

My partner, Dan, talks in his sleep. Because I'm a light sleeper, sometimes I wake up, ask him questions and write down what he answers so we can laugh about it the next day. He never remembers anything.

This is our conversation from last night:

Dan- (angrily) "I'm so sick of this shit."

(pause)

Dan- (sighs) "I don't know WHAT to do."

(a few seconds later)

Me- (looking for a clue on my healing journey) "Dan, what's the cure?"

Dan- "Out and about."

Me- "What?"

Dan- "Out and about."

Me- "What do you mean?"

Dan- "That's where the opening of the light is."

Me- "Where?"

Dan- "Oh .. . in the Mission." (a neighborhood in San Francisco)