body art

Some words about my body art ritual . . .

18, freshman

too large too fast! panic!

In Columbus riding in a shopping cart

A flower, not a dandelion

but yellow

scar hanging onto heaven by a thread

growth and love opening opening forming forming marching learning

heard the news at the kitchen table through a tunnel of grief like a warrior broken family album

23, spontaneous matching japanese kanji, hope of something more

love love love love encircled joy new traditions grief and healing

25, retouching, preparing moving goodbyes exploration anxiety

new our ways our life our family our love our sun our rain our home

not quite

whoa, saturn returning crashing,  Stop.  Restart.

heritage healing healer oh hello body hello spirit body body body my path surrender surrendering learning learning learning new new new opening like a . . .

30, leaf, gratitude path Godtree letting go trusting

hope joy learning learning . . .

occupy

Answering a friend’s question on facebook a few weeks ago about why the occupiers are protesting . . . .

Yeah I can definitely see how it can be confusing to people.  I think there are a number of reasons that Occupy has not asked for specific demands so far.  The original call to action from Adbusters was to protest the corporate take over of the government.  So there are many people who still are specifically focused on this and issues related like corporate personhood, corporate lobbying, bank bail outs, casino capitalism, etc., and there is even a working group in New York called Demands who are pushing for the movement to come up with specific demands related to “Corporatocracy.”  But Occupy has also taken on a mind of its own since the first call to action, and there are many protesters (and it seems like they may be the majority since they haven’t made any demands yet) that believe that we need a whole new system and way of being altogether and that by making any demands within the current system would be an affirmation of it.

Also, another issue is that for the first time in a long time, there is a movement that is drawing people together all over the country and the world, which is great, but the difficult part is we all have so many pet issues that we would like to address.  Picking one might alienate the others, and at least for now, we want the movement to keep growing and growing and becoming stronger and stronger. 

I think there are a few purposes of trying this new tactic of sustained protest and encampment.  Because of the radical change that is desired, I think campers are making the statement that they are not just asking for one thing and then are going to go away and return to the status quo.  They are sick of the status quo.  And for the people that are calling for more specific changes, I believe their statement is about holding those in power accountable for the injustices and letting them know that we are not going to forget what they did/are doing like we have in the past.  Also, as messy as it may look because of the numbers of people and differing opinions, the encampments give us a space to come together to discuss what we desire and envision for the nation and world . . .a chance for people to connect face to face in real time instead of just on the internet.

So who knows what will come of everything.  But there has not been this much energy around change in this country since the 1960s, and I am personally excited to see so many young people engaged for once instead of the usual attitude of apathy and being too cool (and/or distracted) to care about anything of significance.  I want to support the movement any way I can.

Although there are not many sound bites that the media have been able to get out of the movement due to the enormity and complexity of the grievances and desires and the many different people and opinions, the “we are the 99%” slogan has been something that seems to have taken hold.  You probably have already seen this site, but it just shows example after example of why the current system is not working for the majority of people in the U.S. right now:

http://wearethe99percent.tumblr.com/

And here is the list of grievances that Occupy put out in the beginning so you can see why we might be protesting for a long time J :

http://occupywallst.org/forum/first-official-release-from-occupy-wall-street/

And this is a link to an article by Matt Taibbi in the Rolling Stone that I highly recommend concerning the movement not having specific messages and demands and how the media is portraying the movement, etc.

http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/news/how-i-stopped-worrying-and-learned-to-love-the-ows-protests-20111110#ixzz1dJytaKL9

eating for thousands

 So I’m trying to get rid of a parasite.  Yum. 

If you’ve ever had a parasite, you might know that it is a little difficult to get rid of.  To put it bluntly, there are too many bugs and too many eggs hidden in the tissue of my digestive organs to get rid of with a quick dose of antibiotics. Depending on the bugs, it can be a very slow and tedious.  You have to slowly make an inhospitable environment for the little buggers over time.  And if too many of them leave at once, everything else you’ve eaten goes with them, and you lose important nutrients like electrolytes, etc.  Fun, huh?

After I found out that I had one almost a year ago, I went to several different doctors, nutritionists, and friends that all had different advice.  But I finally found a nutritionist this summer whose advice really rang true for me, and I’ve been feeling really good ever since!!  I’ve been holding onto more meals and not feeling weak or migrainey.  Woo hoo!  I definitely think that I had this parasite during my chaotic 2009, and a lack of nutrition greatly influenced everything that happened that year.  (But of course, I have no regrets. Thank God for my Saturn Return!)

So part of my regimen includes eating a LOT more than I used to.  I eat at least 5 meals a day.  There’s a TON of things I can’t eat, so it’s easier to say what I am eating, which is:  hella protein including animal and fish protein, nuts and eggs, gluten-free grains, hella low-sugar vegetables, and the only processed food I eat is almond milk and almond butter.  I’m also trying to get rid of Candida (yeast overgrowth) at the same time so I’m eating very minimal fruit.  The food that I’m adding to my diet that slowly kills parasites and yeast are: probiotic/fermented food (saurkraut, kefir, yogurt, etc.), garlic, onions, coconut oil, ginger and pretty much any and all spices.

It’s challenging to have an extremely strict diet as you can imagine.  I miss chips most of all.  And I’ve been gluten-free for a few years now, but I still dream about garlic bread and pancakes.  Mmmmm.  It sucks going out to eat, and a couple of times I’ve felt like crying trying to find something on the menu to eat.  Everyone is watching while I try to find something I can eat, asking,  “Can you eat this?  Can you eat that?”  And I keep having to say, “No . .  .no . . .no”  It’s made me really feel for the hardcore vegans and better understand why they have to be so militant about it sometimes.   It takes a lot of discipline and confidence to have a different diet than everybody else.

But it’s not all woe-is-me!  I’m learning how to eat healthy, and I think this diet would be good for anyone even if they didn’t have a parasite.  I can’t imagine ever going back to a processed gluten diet in the future.  And at times, I’ve resented the fact that shopping and preparing and cooking food is such a gigantic part of my life.  But what the fuck else would I be doing?  Eating keeps us alive.  It’s kind of important.  And of course, in tons of other cultures their entire day revolves around cooking and eating. 

So since it IS such a huge part of my life now, I’ve been forced to enjoy it.  :)  And appreciate it.  And ritualize the grocery shopping.  And ritualize the cooking.  And get creative with my meals.  And learn to use spices.  And slow down when I eat.   And most of all, be thankful.

nanny update

So I’ve been at my new nanny job for 8 weeks now.  Baby V was about 3 1/2 months when I started.  She’s super cute, of course.  Having some distance from my last job has allowed me to do some processing.  I feel so much more relaxed with the new family.  Baby V’s mom is home sometimes and is much more pleasant to be around since she doesn’t use me as a soundboard to complain about anything and everything.  We actually have conversations where I get to speak too.  And most importantly, I don’t feel like I have to make up for any loss of love or attention that the baby isn’t getting.  Baby V’s mom is super attentive and empathic with her daughter.  I did not know what a RELIEF this would be!  This is allowing me to have a healthier, less intense relationship with her.   I just feel like I go and chill with Baby V instead of playing a protective role and trying to fill her up emotionally.  Phew!

Meanwhile, I didn’t see Baby E for about 6 weeks and did a lot of grieving and processing during that time.  Then the day care that they were sending him to didn’t work out (one of the workers showed up to the day care stoned) so I started helping out with him one to two days a week.  It was wonderful to see him and I was relieved that he remembered me and also that he was doing just fine without me! ;) They just found a new day care for him last week so I don’t know how often I’ll be seeing him.  But I feel like being with him the last month has been sort of a good weaning process for me and I feel more able to let go now.  Also, hoping his mom has seen how much I care about him, and will keep calling me when she needs an extra hand!

manifesto

A couple Sundays ago I was scheduled to lead the prayer time at my church. The day before, I sat down and was grateful to have this flow out through me. (While I was writing, Dan was doing some songwriting, and also felt like he was experiencing direct Spirit-flow inspiration. Fun!)

As we head into our time of prayer and also along the lines of the "Let Go- Let God" theme for the month, I wanted to talk a little bit about what exactly we are letting go into.

So the planet is shifting. You may have felt it, literally. The Earth is quaking. Our actions are shifting the chemical make-up and temperature of the planet. People are rising up all over the world demanding that their voices be heard. In the U.S., a new presidential election is getting closer and people are in the streets fighting against corporate greed. . . And our church is shifting, yet again. Leadership is changing, and we are searching for a way to become financially sustainable. It's a scary and exciting time!

And people are preparing for and participating in this shift in a variety of ways. Some are resisting the change. Some are actively participating in it and propelling it forward. Some of our brothers and sisters are waiting for the end of the world. Others are preparing their hearts and minds for a shift in consciousness.

There are many different ways to react to change, and lately I've been thinking about and reflecting on how I want to be and how God wants me to be during this shift, and what my particular role is.

I do believe that God is here with us in the midst of it all. I believe that God is in control even while allowing for free will. (It's this weird paradox that I don't think our human minds can fully comprehend at this time!) I believe that God actually participates in this awesome Universe that God created, and we are living in the era of the Holy Spirit. And I think we should take advantage of this gift!

So instead of spending vast quantities of time worrying and planning and trying to control, my lofty goal is to live in constant communion with the Spirit, who already resides inside of me, and from there, be lead day by day, moment by moment, by that Spirit into that path and role that God would have for me.

The metaphor that I'm about to mention is not novel, but it's a good one. I always imagine a river. And when I'm trying to live by my own strength, I'm splashing around, maybe swimming upstream and even holding onto the branches that are growing over the river from the trees of the bank. When I'm brave enough to live by the Spirit, I Let Go. And flow with the river. . . It's so much better this way! The river still runs all over the place of course, bending this way and that, over and through rocks. But it's much easier than fighting the current. If I'm not doing things on my own strength, the possibilities are endless! My incessantly chattering mind is quiet and can actually hear the Spirit! I am at peace.

So that's my goal during this shift, come what may. . . that I Let Go, into the Flow and Movement of the Spirit. And from there, trust that I will be lead step by step, moment by moment, into what my role is . . . in my home, in my work, in this church, and in the grand scheme of things on the planet.

So today during prayer time, I'll pass the microphone around so we can name what we wish to let go of, what we wish to lift up to God, to leave in God's hands. Whether it is a family member we are worried about and obsessing over, or a personal issue, or a political issue that is close to our heart. And letting go doesn't mean that we don't care or that we won't pray for our loved ones, or stop working for a cause. But it means that we are acknowledging that we are not in control. And that we wish to participate in the exact role that God intends us to have. Nothing more. Nothing less. This is when the peace comes.

So as we pass the mic around, say one or two sentences starting with "I let go of . . . " or "I lay at your feet . . ." or "I lift this up to You . . ."

I'll begin. Let us pray.

. . . . . . . . . . .

Spirit, thank you for your presence here with us now and in every moment. Give us the strength and courage to let go of our worries, to let go of our constant planning, to let go of our attempts to manipulate and control the world around us. Help us to let go of the tree branch on the bank of the river and flow with your Spirit of Life. Help us to learn to trust you and live moment by moment in constant communion with you as you guide us on our path. Thank you. In the name of Jesus Christ, Amen.

SF spiritual communities #4, #5, #6

So I’ve been picking back up on my exploration of spiritual communities in San Francisco lately. I’ve still been trying to get to my church in Oakland at least twice a month but I don’t always feel like doing the drive, especially getting stuck in traffic on the way home. Plus I just feel like I want to expand my spiritual community to the city where I live.

So as recap, so far I’ve visited a Catholic church, the Unitarian church, and a Quaker meeting. None have called out to me as a place I want to continue going to. There was a spiritual community (I’m trying not to use names since I don’t really want this blog coming up in google searches) that I went to a few times that I did really like, but they actually decided to close down because they didn’t have enough attendees or money. They were Christian, very open to incorporating other traditions, Open and Affirming, not very ethnically diverse, but both gay and straight. They met on Saturday mornings (the pastors used to be 7th Day Adventists), and the gathering consisted of a lecture, small and large group discussion, and one or two songs to close. In addition to the Saturday meetings, they met once a month and shared a meal and sang worship songs together. I only got to go once before they ended, but it was fun singing old praise songs that I hadn’t sung in awhile. “Shout to the Lord” brings up feelings of familiarity and nostalgia just like “The Old Rugged Cross” and other old hymns do for my dad and his generation. Also, every new moon they met and made vision boards together which I also loved. It was unfortunate that they had to close their ministry, but they might start some other kind of organization in the City so I may see them again.

So then a couple of Sundays ago, my mom was in town and we decided to try a new church. Dan knew a guy from our songwriter’s collective who leads worship at an emerging-type Christian church in the Castro so we decided to check it out. It was in a music venue and the place was packed- probably 300 or 400 people. I was surprised at how young they were- most of them seemed to be in their early 20s (maybe 70% white, 25% Asian American.) After I got over my initial triggering feelings that I was back at Campus Crusade for Christ in college, I was able to enjoy myself. They sang a lot of new praise songs that I mostly didn’t know, but they all sounded kind of folky because of the acoustic guitar and violionist so I enjoyed that. No one was dancing, but there were several people raising their hands. The preacher was funny and didn’t try too hard to be “hip” which is a temptation with all those youngens in attendance. He mentioned a few things that stuck out in my head including, “if you want to use Jesus to back your political party, then please don’t tell anyone about Jesus.” And if you want to use Jesus to keep this City in check, then please don’t tell anyone about Jesus.” So I know the emerging churches are trying to do things different than our parents did, but being Open and not Affirming to the LBGT community is mostly likely a deal-breaker for me so I’d have to ask around to see what their actual beliefs are. Although I definitely didn’t feel like, “oh these are my people!” I could see myself going back there if I needed a place to sing some praise songs every once in awhile.

The next Sunday, I went with Meghan and Cole to the Religious Science church in SF. Meghan had gone several times before since her sister and her partner attend there. It was a pretty small congregation- maybe 30 people in attendance. A simple service mostly revolving around a longer sermon, with a few songs lead by a singer and a keyboardist. The preaching was very good. He preached about many of the “new thought”-ish ideas and ways of living that I am currently reading about (Eckhart Tolle, Florence Scovell Schinn, Abraham Hicks, etc.). He actually reminded me of my old pastor Lynice and even preached on similar topics but with a slightly different vocabulary since it was a religious science and not Christian. They are Open and Affirming, mostly older folks, mostly white, although the pastor is African American. They were all very nice, and overall I think I could go back every once in awhile to hear a sermon to help integrate what I have been reading and trying to practice in my life. But I would need to find an additional place to actually praise God. It felt like more of self-help community than a place of worship.

I don't know if I'm looking for an additional church home that I attend semi-regularly, just exploring for exploring's sake, or if I'll just find little communities that may not fulfill every need (obviously), but that I may pop in every once in awhile to get a specific need met. But I'm having fun and meeting good people, and really didn't know that there were so many church-goers in San Francisco!

goodbye to nanner

So as I mentioned in the last blog, my nanny job is ending. :( His mom decided to put him into day care full time. Last Wednesday was my last day. I took a ton of video and photos, and his mom gave me a nice card and an orchid. I was sad that day, but it didn’t hit me until the next day when I accepted another nanny job how much I’m going to miss him. Also just needed to process if I wanted to get attached to another baby again since it’s so painful to part. But that’s what life is about, of course. I’m not going to not love people just because I’m scared I’ll be separated from them someday. I do believe we were in each others’ lives at just the right time. Among other things, I feel like I was supposed to model to his mom how to nurture him (and the cat too, for that matter). They are a lot closer than they were in the beginning and have a great bond now. He also just recently entered the stage where mommy is his favorite so it’s made it a lot easier to leave since I’m not making up stories about him needing me.


Here is what I wrote in the card I gave him:



It has been such a gift to be able to watch you these past months, starting when you were a tiny infant at 2 1/2 months, until now at 16 months, running around and learning to talk. I wanted to compile some of things we did together so I would remember and you could read it when you’re older.

When you were younger, we read books together, and I sang you a lot of songs. Some of your favorite songs were Old Macdonald, the Itsy Bitsy spider, Patty Cake, and Do Re Mi.

It was so fun when you first started to giggle. I repeated the stupidest noises over and over just to get you to laugh. One of our inside jokes goes like this, “Uhhhhh . . . achoo!” I have us doing this twice on video, once at about 6 months and then again at 16 months where we both still thought it was just as hilarious.

We went on lots of walks together, exploring the streets of SF when you were younger and when you got older, we played at the parks and recreation centers. I was with you the first time you touched grass! You were weirded out at first but then decided you liked it.

It was fun to watch you learn how to walk, eat solid foods, and talk! The first words I heard you attempt were diaper (dipuh) and bathroom (badoom).

Some of the other things we liked to do were: play chase, play peek-a-boo, make funny noises back and forth during meals, cuddle on the floor (but not for long due to your unstoppable energy and curiosity!), have dance parties, drum on everything, yoga (you had the breathing down and everything!), play with toys, and throw all the pillows into the middle of the room to make a pillow pit.

I will miss being your nanny and hanging out with you on a regular basis, but look forward to popping in to see you how you’ve changed and grown.

I love you,
_________

the story of Jasper

Neighbor Ted knocked on our door one night. “Are you missing a parakeet?” Um no. “Well there’s a stray parakeet who’s not afraid of people walking around the patio right now.”

I walked outside and Ted and I watched the little guy pecking around the cement patio for stray seeds. Ted informed me that he had knocked on a bunch of doors in the neighborhood already and nobody said they were missing their pet bird. He couldn’t fly well because his wings were clipped, and I was having visions of him clamped in the mouth of the neighborhood cats. We watched him for awhile and then when he flew on the rung of chair, I decided to bring the chair inside to see what he would do. He freaked out and flew back outside. I left the door open and then went to work convincing Dan that we should let him spend the night with us and then try to find his owner the next day. (Beside the cat hazard, I had googled that parakeets don’t usually survive outside in the area since they are originally from Australia.)

Meanwhile the little bird changed his mind about not wanting to be in our house and walked right back inside (probably remembering the warmth), hopped in the nearest plant and fell asleep! He must have been so tuckered out from whatever trauma had gotten him outside in the first place! I read that they eat millet so I put some millet and a bowl of water on the floor underneath the plant. We half-assedly bird-proofed the living room and went to bed.

Two days later, after nobody responded to the found parakeet signs we posted around the neighborhood, we were already pretty attached and were convinced that the little bird was a gift from God and his magical Universe straight to us. We had already been speculating how grounding he had been for us because we were both in a weird place job-wise. I had just found out my part-time nanny job was ending and was looking for a new one. And Dan was applying to jobs waiting to hear back and also contemplating new careers. So our new feathered friend was working as a much needed distraction from obsessing over the unknowns of our future.

That night we decided to get him a cage since he was currently living in the plant and pooping all over the wood floor. We picked him out the cutest cage, the prettiest toy, and the fanciest organic seed mix they had, and brought it home to him. The next day he was chirping more than he ever had, and it seemed clear that he was used to being in a cage and felt safe in his own space.

As the week went on, we decided to take down the signs in the neighbor hood and give him name! The name Jasper had been in my head since the first or second day. I had no idea why . . . I had never had an affinity for the name before and we didn’t even know he was a male until later in the week.

So Jasper it was, and one day, I looked up on the internet what the meaning of the Jasper stone was, and found out that the name had been divinely inspired because it described exactly what Jasper was bringing into our life including. . .“good in time of needed change without the chaos a total upheaval would cause” . . . “protecting us from ourselves” . . .”and keeping us grounded and from getting carried away, or lead astray, and being diverted from your goals.”

So we have a bird! Who would’ve thought? We’re reading up on how to get him to come in and out of the cage, we play music for him everyday (he LOVES Mumford and Sons and pretty much anything with a good beat), and we talk constantly about him to our friends, probably even more than our friends with actual human children talk about their children.

Oh! AND we’ve already duked it out over his last name so we’re all prepared for when we have kids. Jasper Kilmer-Nordheim. Dan gave in to the hyphen. :)

flying is weird

So I was a little nervous about riding the plane to the midwest. I was trying my best to prepare myself mentally. My overly-ambitious goal was to miraculously never be afraid of riding a plane again after this trip! My main issue is claustrophobia, and I constantly try to decide whether to get on the plane or not while at the airport. And even when I’m on the plane on the runway, I’m trying to decide whether to just sit there or whether I should jump up and start screaming, "Let me off this fucking plane!!"

So this time, I decided to make the decision to get on the plane and stay on the plane ahead of time. Trying to decide whether to ride or not is pretty dang anxiety provoking as you can imagine. So that part worked! The day of the flight, I told myself I was choosing to get on the plane no matter how afraid I was feeling. Nobody was forcing me to get on the plane. But there was a part of me that believed it would be okay and that part of me had already chosen to get on no matter what. (Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a dash of internal family systems, I think??) I walked on the plane without wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I wasn't too nervous about it!

However, it ended up to be a pretty uncomfortable flight. It was a non-stop red-eye, and I didn't sleep the whole way. (Dan did, of course.) I was feeling pretty symptomatic (migrainey, etc.) and fought anxiety on and off the whole time. Toward the end of a flight, a toddler was screaming at the top of his lungs, “I WANT THIS PLANE TO LAAAAAAND!!!!” It was awesome. Being a kid, he was probably soaking up all our collective anxiety, and I was so relieved somebody was expressing it!

But then we were there. I was relieved and happy and in the arms of Heidi-lou. But there was also a part of me still disappointed that it wasn't the miraculous fear-free flight that I was hoping for.

The flights back were slightly less uncomfortable. And I found myself again committed to getting on the flights no matter how afraid or uncomfortable I felt. We flew during the day and stopped halfway in Colorado which helped.

Now I’m back in SF, on the ground, not flying in some sort of weird contraption in the air having no freakin’ clue to the physics (?) of why it can fly . . .and I feel pretty satisfied at how it went. Just like it was easier on the flights back, I have hope that each flight will get less and less difficult. And I decided that baby steps toward a miracle are miraculous in themselves.

midwest is best

Back from a lovely trip to the Midwest!

Highlights include:

-surviving the plane rides- woo hoo!
-hanging with Hez and Matt in Evanston, finding a network chiro right in their neighborhood to fix me after the flight, a walk to Lake Michigan on warm, balmy night right before the storm came
-a real thunder and lightning storm to welcome us to the midwest! the power went out and everything!
- getting to Holland and meeting our niece and goddaughter Lily for the first time!
- a 4:00am trip to Meijer with Dan. It was 1:00am CA time- we have no idea why we were wide awake!
-hanging with Dan's family at Laura and Matt's beautiful home.
-Lily's baptism
-going to Saugatuck. I wouldn't mind having a summer home there.
-visiting Justin and fam and meeting Baby Connor
-Owen's quote: "Dad, how do you spell 'and then the goat kicked the sheep out of the barn?'"
-drive up to Mt. Pleasant- LOOOVE the fields and farms and flat!
-seeing Tarami and Justin and meeting Baby Channing for the first time! What a sweetie.
-dinner at Dad's with David, playing baseball in the yard
-blowing bubbles with Mom
-surprising the Ross boys at Caleb's open house. I almost started crying seeing each one of them run up to Dan to give him a huge hug. We didn't know if Caleb would remember him, but he ran up to us saying, "Dan and Jane! Dan and Jane!"
-Ian's open house
-hanging at David's beautiful home in Shepherd surrounded by cornfields
-Doozies icecream!
-more hanging with T and Justin
-church with Dad
-seeing Ryan and his family, meeting his girls for the first time!

Thanks, God, for the wonderful trip! Please help us find a way to spend our summers there! That would be awesome.

making the leap

So a few weeks ago I made the leap and decided to start up my body work business.

Originally, I was going to wait on a few things, including being completely healed physically, getting my massage certificate (makes sense, right?), and having enough money to rent a space to practice in. I, being a human (AND somewhat of a perfectionist), wanted to get my ducks all in row before embarking on this new journey! But the Powers-That-Be weren't about to make this a neat little process that I have control over. Why would they when it was utter chaos that got me switch careers in the first place?

SO I made a facebook invite announcing that I was starting my business, stating that I was super cheap since I'm not quite official yet and am working out of my home. And business hasn't been too bad so far! I've been seeing about 1 to 3 people a week, which feels like a good start while I'm still getting the hang of everything . . .

And it's so fun!! I can't believe I'm getting paid to touch people! Sometimes I feel like a little kid playing "business." Why are intake forms and writing receipts so fun to me? :)

I've mostly been doing a combo of massage and CranioSacral. I might just want to do strictly CranioSacral Therapy someday. But for now, massage has been a good way to introduce people to CST, and it's exciting to hear people's reactions to it when we debrief after the session . . . "What WAS that? . . .I was feeling this and this when you were . . ." And then I get to tell them about the amazing world of CST!

Next week I start only working with Nanner two days a week, so I'll have the rest of the week to finish up classes and see clients . . .AHH!!! Here I go!!!

constant communion and inner space

I’m reading a daily devotional book called “Jesus Calling” by Sarah Young. In the intro, Sarah talks about receiving the devotions while listening in God’s presence, and each devotion is written in first person from Jesus’ point of view. (I think it’s also worth noting that the themes and language that “Jesus” uses in this book is extremely similar to the “Jesus” that Apostle Anne from Ireland channels in her monthtly e-mails! www.directionforourtimes.com)

Anyway, I’m really enjoying the daily reflections and receiving a lot of insight from meditating on them each morning. Here is one that has really stuck with me:

“I am calling you to a life a constant communion with Me. Basic training includes learning to live above your circumstances, even while interacting on that cluttered plane of life. You yearn for a simplified lifestyle, so that your communication with Me can be uninterrupted. But I challenge you to relinquish the fantasy of an uncluttered world. Accept each day as it comes, and find Me in the midst of it all.

Talk with me about every aspect of your day, including your feelings. Remember that your ultimate goal is not to control or fix everything around you; it is to keep communing with Me. A successful day is one in which you have stayed in touch with Me, even if things remain undone at the end of the day. Don’t let your to-do list (written or mental) become an idol directing your life. Instead, ask My Spirit to guide you moment by moment. He will keep you close to Me.”

The part about to-do lists directing our lives instead of the Spirit is very relevant to me, as it probably is with most people in modern society. But also, the earlier part about yearning for a simplified lifestyle and needing to let go of the fantasy of an uncluttered world really struck a chord with me. My monkey mind is always saying, “Oh! If only I lived in the country. . . if only there wasn’t so much technology in the world . . . if only I was rich and didn’t have work. . . . THEN I would devote my life to listening to the Spirit and living in the present moment!”

But for now, I am not called to live the life of the monk in the middle of nowhere so this thinking gets me nowhere. Actually I’m starting to think that thinking in general gets me nowhere! Eckhart Tolle in “A New Earth” explains, “Thinking cuts reality up into lifeless fragments,” and he writes about trying to notice "the gaps" and leaving room for "inner space."

"In the first moment of seeing something or hearing a sound--and more so if it is unfamiliar-- before the mind names or interprets what you see or hear, there is usually a gap of alert attention in which the perception occurs. That is the inner space. . . The frequency and duration of those spaces determine your ability to enjoy life, to feel an interconnectedness with other human beings as well as nature. When you become conscious of these brief spaces as they happen naturally, they will lengthen, and as they do, you will experience with increasing frequency the joy of perceiving with little or no interference of thinking. The world around you then feels fresh, new and alive."

Doesn't this sound nice?

Okay, I’m going to stop thinking. Starting NOW!


-

growth spurt

hey blog-
it's been an interesting year so far. I feel like I've been on a little growth spurt, since I made all those intentions around my birthday. Like I've said before, be careful what you wish/intend/pray for!

My body has been doing some "reorganizing." That's what they call it at the network chiropractic cult that I'm a part of. Quite literally I had a growth spurt the other night. Network chiropractic teaches our body to allow a spontaneous wave through the spine and it often will adjust (crack) itself in several places. After a particularly productive "unwinding" the other night, I felt like I had stretched so much, I had Dan measure me and I was 3/4 of an inch taller than what it says on my license!

And on the spiritual and mental side of things, I'm trying to continue to integrate new patterns of thinking and ways of being:

-still trying to live moment by moment, lead by the Spirit, my spirit, and/or body.

-trying not to be a slave to my to-do list, the one in my mind, not just the one written down.

-DOING things, sometimes I'll spend so much time making lists and plans but I won't execute them! It's time to DO!

-refusing to spend time worrying

-surrendering to the ebb and flow of life (oldie, but a goodie)

-playing around with the Law of Attraction (might as well!)

-trying to be my "soulself". that's what I've been calling it. trying to listen to what my soul wants to do instead of this crazy To-Doer. this mostly includes dancing and moving, singing, being loud!!, and being around nature.

-letting go, falling back into my body instead of trying to rush forward. mantras have helped me with this lately.

AND

-taking my power back. not sure from who. probably my monkey mind!

cousin

A cousin who is a few years younger than me has been struggling with migraines and fibromyalgia. A number of people on my dad's side of the family are struggling with muscle-related health issues now, and I had really wanted to tell my cousin about some of the things that have worked for me, especially CranioSacral Therapy. But I was worried about talking to her out of the blue when she wasn't ready to receive the info. (I was also worried that she thinks of me as that crunchy liberal cousin out there in crazy California!) So for the last 6 months she's really been on my mind and I've been praying for her and even wrote a song about her.

And then this week, she sent me this long e-mail pouring her heart out about how discouraged she is and how abandoned by God she feels, and how she wants to find a cause for her migraines but the doctors are just trying to mask the symptoms, etc. etc. I was so excited for the opportunity to share with her finally! Also, it really helped me to put into words where I am right now since I've been having a return of some of my symptoms. Here's is what I wrote to her. It is really long, but heck- there's only about 6 of your reading this, and this blog is more like a journal anyways. . .

---------------------

Hey ____- I am feeling for you. I truly am. I don’t know what exactly you’re going through, but it does sound similar to what I went and am going through still. I don’t know where to start. I don’t know what information will be relevant to your situation and what is only relevant to mine, but I want to share a little about my health situation and you can discern from there what rings true for you.

I had a huge body crash in 2009, and was very angry and felt abandoned by God. Eventually some of my symptoms got diagnosed as migraines, but it took a long time to get to that diagnosis because most of the time they were acephalgic (painless) migraines. I had all the other migraine symptoms like oversensitivity to sound, movement, and light, but often didn’t have the pain. I also was having weird muscle issues like extreme weakness, but never got diagnosed with fibromyalgia because I didn’t have those pain symptoms either. And then I had other random symptoms, like dizziness and fatigue. And from there, the anxiety and depression from not being able to work just made everything way worse. I remember crying a lot even though it made my head worse too. That’s the worse.

I did eventually feel better and was able to get back to functioning. But in the last few weeks, I’ve had some of the symptoms return. I’m still able to work my part-time job, but am having to take it REAL easy when I’m not working and again try to put this extremely complicated healing puzzle together. So I’m not coming to you as a person who has all the answers even for my own life. But I definitely feel your pain because I am also scared I will spiral down like I did before. And I am holding on to what I learned the first time and wanted to tell you what those things were just in case any of them are relevant to your situation. . . .

I learned how extremely, extremely complicated our bodies are. Once one thing is a little off, then it’s like a domino effect, which makes it very difficult to try to isolate the cause. So the only thing that worked for me that year was, piece by piece, trying out different things that I thought would help. Figuring out what things to try was sometimes overwhelming, of course, especially with friends and family that care and want to “fix” it, plus all the different practitioners in the Bay Area, western and holistic, were all telling me different things. So when I was at a point when I was able to think straight and wasn’t totally depressed and anxious, I would pray about it, use my intuition and knowledge about my own body, and then, I tried to pay attention to the things that were mentioned to me several times by different people before trying them out. I guess I sort of took that as a sign. And looking back, those were indeed the things that helped the most.

Because of how sensitive my body is, the non-western medicine worked much better for me. Not to say that western meds don’t work for some people (or even me in certain situations), but you are right that they often give up on trying to find the cause and just try to mask the symptoms. And for me, the medicine is so strong, it often caused other things to get off balance in my body. And it sounds like it might be doing that for you too since you said “I know they’re not good for me.”

I also believe that God can heal on the spot and I was super pissed that he did not do that for me either. I don’t know why he chooses to heal like that sometimes, but not other times. But the only good thing about not being healed on the spot was that I learned so much about my body because of the step by step healing.

Some of the things that helped and help me are:

-Quitting my social work job and doing something less stressful (currently nannying a baby part-time and going to school to become a body worker)

Nutrition:
-Keeping up with hydration and electrolytes like Calcium, Magnesium, Potassium, a little Sodium (having an electrolyte imbalance effects muscles functioning)
-Keeping up with protein throughout the day (I’m now a pescatarian who occasionally eats beef when I’m desperate.)
-Keeping up with multivitamins, especially iron and VITAMIN D (vitamin D is even more important if you’re not in a sunny climate- you probably already know this)
-Lots of veggies
-Staying away from sugar and caffeine- when I crash from either one of these, it is not pretty!

-Lots and lots of sleep, sometimes a nap when I can squeeze it in.
-Chiropractor- I actually go weekly! And just made it a priority and budgeted it in
-And then I go to an awesome CranioSacral Therapist who works on my head when my muscles get too tight. . . . If you ever have the feeling that the migraines or headaches could be caused from a structural issue in the head, a good craniosacral therapist can manipulate the bones, tissues, sutures, etc. It’s been such a blessing to me after all the old trauma of breaking my nose, getting a “palette expander,” braces etc, that I’m going to school to become a craniosacral therapist. . .
-Getting a small amount of sunshine a day or using my light box.

Blahblahblah . . . there’s more, but that’s enough for now. I definitely feel high maintenance. But I am accepting the fact that I am a sensitive person and may need to take care of myself more than other people may have to. I also am hoping that I will get to use my sensitivity to help others when I become a body worker.

And then the thing that I’m working on right now, that I FOR SURE don’t have mastered yet, is trying not to fear! I’m trying to learn to surrender to the moment with the knowledge that this feeling will pass. Deep breaths help me.

It’s so easy for me to be like, “oh- it’s happening again! Why do I feel like this? It’s going to be like before. I’ll have to quit my job! “ But that is, of course, not helpful and makes things worse, even body-wise . . . My adrenaline and cortisol levels go up, I tense my muscles, I stop breathing deeply, etc.

It is very hard to rein in the negative self-talk and say positive things to myself. Especially when I’m already not feeling good! But that’s what I’m trying to do right now.


It’s kind of a weird balance of surrendering but also not giving up. . . .
-I try to surrender to the moment- like okay- I accept that I feel this way now. I need to get in bed with the earplugs (which I also have to do sometimes). And then fighting the fearful thoughts while I lie there- that’s a hard one!
-But then I would also encourage you to not give up looking for the complicated mess of causes. Or maybe cause is not the right word. To not give up looking for things that make you feel better. Like on the days when I do feel better, I try to be open to God showing what the next step toward healing is. And it’s really annoying that he usually gives only one step at a time, but that’s how he does it with me.

Whoa- this is really long. Let me know if you have any questions about anything I was talking about. It kind of just came out too. So hopefully it’s clear.

I am definitely praying for you,____. I have been the last few months.

---------------



She wrote me back telling me how much this means to her, and asking how she can find a CranioSacral Therapist in her area!

Here's to healing and breaking cycles in my family!

marathon

it's a fucking marathon to keep this body functioning sometimes. i'm exhausted and frustrated.

nanny rant

nannying is really hard. and really complicated. spending that much time with a little one and then having no say on anything and not being able to control what happens when i leave really sucks. i worry about the future too. will i still be in touch with him after i stop working for them someday? will his mom continue to try to fill her needs through him? will she stop trying to check off her fucking to-do list and spend enough time with him? will his parents fight and yell in front of him? I know i'm going to have my own weird issues with my kids, use them to try to fulfill my own needs sometimes, and not always empathize with them. but it's still hard to watch it from the outside. it's hard to see a grown adult whine that her son doesn't say mama, doesn't look at her when she wants him too (he's ten months old!), or doesn't care when she leaves a room. stop whining and put some time in!

she's not the worst mom- i've heard much worse horror stories from fellow nannies. i know she loves him . . .and i know it's a cycle and his mom's own mom didn't empathize with her...blah blah blah. but it's still really hard to watch.

and then there's the cat. she's horrible with her. again does not empathize with her. the poor cat has PTSD, and this woman acts like the cat is out to get her when she "misbehaves." it's a fucking cat. their emotional intelligence is the same as a toddler, so if they're not getting their needs met, they're going to fucking act out.

it's changed since i've been there. it's a little better now. i'm not pretending that i try not influence her. even though that sounds pretentious and judgmental. i don't care. i do try. you know how people pretend to know what a baby or animal is thinking and talk like they are them? and it's really annoying? i do that now. in attempt to get her to walk in their shoes .. . if only just for a minute.

meanwhile, i'll rant when i need to, give the little beings all the love I can when I'm with them, and light a candle when I'm gone, trusting that the same God that created this amazing universe that takes care of me, will also give them what they need moment by moment. this is also my prayer.

Pleiades

I had the most incredible few days last weekend with the most amazing friends. Brenda flew up from LA, and Heidi dug herself out of snowmageddon in Chicago to celebrate my 30th. On Saturday, the three of us, and four of my other close girlfriends, spent the day in Pacifica (one of my very favorite places in the world!). It was a magical day that started out with a photo shoot on the beach (of course!) and then a hike up to the top of the cliff overlooking the ocean. Then Jessica, who was hosting the celebration, lead us in a “letting go” ritual where we wrote down things we no longer wanted in our lives and burned them in a fire pit on the beach. Heidi then lead us in another ritual after reading the following excerpt to us from “The Pine Island Paradox” by Kathleen Dean Moore:

"But in this greening place of ashes and springs, I began to understand that time cannot move in a circle, coming again to where it was before. Time sweeps in spiral, going round and round again—the cycles of the seasons, the flow of the cold springs, the growth of a forest or a child, but never returns to the same place. And we who love this world will tremble with the beauty of the spiral that has brought us here and the mystery of the spiral that will carry us away."

With our feet, we each created a section of a huge spiral in the sand. At the end, the sun was setting and I stood in the center of the spiral looking around at all these amazing women looking back at me. They all have known me throughout so many cycles of my life and watched me change, grow, and then return to a different place, just like Moore describes. And I have seen them do the same.



After the beach rituals, we went to Jessica’s house. Some of us cooked a scrumptious dinner of broccoli and spinach quiche, quinoa, and salad while the rest of us helped by dancing to Prince, Missy Elliott and MIA. While we ate, I talked about what I was grateful for, including why I was thankful for each one of them. Then we participated in one last ritual that Jessica led, planting our intentions for the future.

Finally, it was time for the hot tub! While the seven of us soaked in our birthday suits, I looked up at the starry sky, pointed to the first cluster that I saw, and asked what constellation it was. Tessa exclaimed, "It's Pleiades! Also, known as the Seven Sisters!" I've never had an interest in constellations before. I have no idea what lead me to ask that question. Oh, universe!

I was hoping that the day would not just be about my birthday, but a time where my friends could reflect on their own goals, gratitude, and intentions while also bonding and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Meghan said at one point, "I've experienced more relationship building with you guys in the last seven hours than I have with other friends over several years!"

The day was bigger than me, and I am grateful.

happy new year!!!

My resolutions:
1- get my massage certificate
2- support my body in its healing process
3- support my spiritual flourishing

Intentions:
My intention is to get my bodywork business going.
My intention is to complete my intestinal healing.
My intention is to easily feel the craniosacral rhythm of myself and others.

gratitude

2010 was filled with. . .

-cranial sacral therapy class and study groups
-massage school
-a raucous 29th birthday party
--playing with visiting friends and family
dinner-shares with neighbors
-cleaning houses and hanging out with random kids until I got the nanny job with my nanner Evan,
-watching Evan grow (3 months to 9 months so far!)
-continuing to lead prayer meetings at First Congo
-exploring our neighborhood and the rest of San Francisco
-exploring northern California
-Kool Cat passing
-hanging with friends
-dates with Dan
-going on my first retreat
-progressing farther than I ever have with network spinal analysis (light touch chiropractic) and watching my body reorganize and heal
-becoming an official member of FDB
-our CD release show in September
-practicing the newly-learned body work on friends and acquaintances
-homemaking!

Gratitude. For a peaceful year, settling into San Francisco and beginning the transition to my new career!