So an apartment in San Francisco fell into our laps and spur of the moment, we decided to take it!
Dan has always wanted to move to the City, but I felt more comfortable in Oakland with a little more space and little more sun. So when we were having a picnic in Dolores Park on Labor Day weekend and my friends started to try and convince us to move across the Bay, I was hesitant. But for some odd reason, I was also curious, especially when my friend told me an apartment was opening up right next to them in the Mission. I found myself asking where the nearest grocery stores was, is there a network chiropractor in the neighborhood, etc.
My friends called up their neighbor who was moving and we saw the place that night. It was cute. . . wood floors, big windows, a nice box shape instead of the usual long and narrow apartments you usually find in San Francisco.
I woke up the next day still desiring to consider the move, which surprised both Dan and me to no end. I suspected I was being prepared for a move this past year, but never suspected the City! My fear was that the City would be too stressful, too cold, too crowded for me, but for some divine reason, now I wasn't too concerned.
We saw the apartment one more time and signed the lease the next week! I was traveling to Michigan for my friends wedding, and Dan and his friends moved all of our things while I was gone! Good deal for me!!
I came back from Michigan to a new apartment in a new city, and lo and behold I am adjusting fine. I love our place, I love our neighborhood. I love walking everywhere and having everything close by. I love living next to my good friends. Dan is thrilled. He doesn't have to commute across the Bay anymore. His whole life is here in the City . . . his work, his friends, music venues. He is in his glory, and surprisingly, I am too.
An interesting twist to this insane year. I definitely would not have been open to this if not for all the internal changes I am going through.
When things happen so unexpectedly yet fall into place so effortlessly, I know it's the work of the Spirit.
Oh-Other proof this is where we're supposed to be: See April 2nd post.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Tuesday, October 20, 2009
testimony
This is the testimony I gave to my church a few weeks ago:
Good morning, Church.
As many of you know I’ve been feeling ill this past year, and I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge and glorify God publicly for the healing that has taken place in my life the last few months! I won’t bore you with details of what was wrong- to say it simply- I was burnt out- I’m a social worker and was not aware that I was burning myself out but my body let me know- it all of a sudden crashed. And because of time, I won’t tell you all that has been helping to make me feel better (feel free to ask me anytime), but I did just want to say a few things, especially as encouragement for those of you who are in the midst of struggle right now. There were many many many times when I wanted a quick fix or an instant miracle and asked for it many many times. But it didn’t happen that way. It has been a sloooow healing process and only now, when I’m feeling better, can I look back and be grateful for the time I had, even though it was hell going through it. I would not have been able to integrate all the things I’m learning about myself, God, my body, how I’m made and how I can live on this planet . . . if I would have gotten the quick miracle that I asked for. Also, God was slowly coaxing me from the calling I thought I had to a new one. “You think you’re calling is over here, but really it’s . .. come on . . over here.” And I’m now excited about where I think God is leading me even though it took me a while to get to that place. Also, the times when I was able to surrender to God and not to fear, were the times when I learned the most and also when I experienced the most healing. Which seems obvious, but is definitely easier said than done. And is still something I am learning to do of course. . . surrender to God more and fear less. It is definitely a slow learning process.
And I just wanted to thank YOU all from the bottom of my heart for your love and support and prayers! I just felt utterly held and rallied around the entire time. There were people giving me rides, making grocery runs and just sitting with me during those times when I was surrendering to the fear. There were literally people in bed with me putting washcloths over my forehead, and I did just want to publicly thank and acknowledge Pat and Charlie, and Dawn and Loren, Moses, and Craig and Lynice, Webb and SooHyun, Eve and Lindsay, and of course my husband, Dan. There are more .. . God strategically placed certain people in my life at the exact time I needed them. And I know God was watching out for me and was with me even when I did not feel like it. So thank you, church. Thank you God . . . Praise God! And please do continue to keep me in your prayers. I will be traveling to Michigan for a few weeks and when I get back, I will need to find a job that I can do sustainably and stay healthy. But meanwhile I am celebrating the healing that has taken place! Thank you.
Good morning, Church.
As many of you know I’ve been feeling ill this past year, and I just wanted to take the time to acknowledge and glorify God publicly for the healing that has taken place in my life the last few months! I won’t bore you with details of what was wrong- to say it simply- I was burnt out- I’m a social worker and was not aware that I was burning myself out but my body let me know- it all of a sudden crashed. And because of time, I won’t tell you all that has been helping to make me feel better (feel free to ask me anytime), but I did just want to say a few things, especially as encouragement for those of you who are in the midst of struggle right now. There were many many many times when I wanted a quick fix or an instant miracle and asked for it many many times. But it didn’t happen that way. It has been a sloooow healing process and only now, when I’m feeling better, can I look back and be grateful for the time I had, even though it was hell going through it. I would not have been able to integrate all the things I’m learning about myself, God, my body, how I’m made and how I can live on this planet . . . if I would have gotten the quick miracle that I asked for. Also, God was slowly coaxing me from the calling I thought I had to a new one. “You think you’re calling is over here, but really it’s . .. come on . . over here.” And I’m now excited about where I think God is leading me even though it took me a while to get to that place. Also, the times when I was able to surrender to God and not to fear, were the times when I learned the most and also when I experienced the most healing. Which seems obvious, but is definitely easier said than done. And is still something I am learning to do of course. . . surrender to God more and fear less. It is definitely a slow learning process.
And I just wanted to thank YOU all from the bottom of my heart for your love and support and prayers! I just felt utterly held and rallied around the entire time. There were people giving me rides, making grocery runs and just sitting with me during those times when I was surrendering to the fear. There were literally people in bed with me putting washcloths over my forehead, and I did just want to publicly thank and acknowledge Pat and Charlie, and Dawn and Loren, Moses, and Craig and Lynice, Webb and SooHyun, Eve and Lindsay, and of course my husband, Dan. There are more .. . God strategically placed certain people in my life at the exact time I needed them. And I know God was watching out for me and was with me even when I did not feel like it. So thank you, church. Thank you God . . . Praise God! And please do continue to keep me in your prayers. I will be traveling to Michigan for a few weeks and when I get back, I will need to find a job that I can do sustainably and stay healthy. But meanwhile I am celebrating the healing that has taken place! Thank you.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
hallelujah
I am getting better . . . All Glory to God!
Thank you to:
My network chiropractor
The founder of network chiropractic
My medical intuit
My therapist
My spiritual director
My energy worker/cranial sacral therapist
My holistic M.D.
Animals I’ve eaten
My church
My friends and family
Authors of books I’ve read
Jesus
The Holy Spirit
The Earth
The Sun
The Moon
The Universe
My intuition
Myself
There are a lot of things I don’t know and I am still in the midst of transition, healing, and an intense learning process. But these are things I do believe at this point in the journey:
I’m going through a spiritual awakening.
I’m changing direction in my life.
I experienced an intense “kundalini” event.
My worldview/cosmic view is shifting dramatically.
I don’t know exactly how I will make a living in the future but I have the desire to add some skills to my social work/therapy foundation, including reiki/energy work, cranial sacral therapy and spiritual direction.
I apparently had to hit rock bottom to make this shift.
I’m individuating from my partner and becoming less codependent and enmeshed.
I’m learning that I’m not only sensitive, but “a sensitive” and how I can use this as a gift and a blessing.
And I am finding the world and universe so so fascinating!!!!
Thank you to:
My network chiropractor
The founder of network chiropractic
My medical intuit
My therapist
My spiritual director
My energy worker/cranial sacral therapist
My holistic M.D.
Animals I’ve eaten
My church
My friends and family
Authors of books I’ve read
Jesus
The Holy Spirit
The Earth
The Sun
The Moon
The Universe
My intuition
Myself
There are a lot of things I don’t know and I am still in the midst of transition, healing, and an intense learning process. But these are things I do believe at this point in the journey:
I’m going through a spiritual awakening.
I’m changing direction in my life.
I experienced an intense “kundalini” event.
My worldview/cosmic view is shifting dramatically.
I don’t know exactly how I will make a living in the future but I have the desire to add some skills to my social work/therapy foundation, including reiki/energy work, cranial sacral therapy and spiritual direction.
I apparently had to hit rock bottom to make this shift.
I’m individuating from my partner and becoming less codependent and enmeshed.
I’m learning that I’m not only sensitive, but “a sensitive” and how I can use this as a gift and a blessing.
And I am finding the world and universe so so fascinating!!!!
Friday, June 26, 2009
quakin'
here i am i find myself followin’ in the footsteps of my mama cuz i’m shakin’ like my quakin’ great uncle penn send me what i need to know show me the way of my mama’s mama’s mama’s mama kundalini what what i’m just a midwestern gal coming from a land of kitty sweaters and box office jesus no no that’s not all small lakes and great lakes the greenest summers you’ll ever see developed me a taste for the sun won me over those three months a year dear set my heart on the golden promised land but found more than that. . . finding more than that.
here i am i find myself opened up myself to a thinly veiled region and legions won’t stop this shaker this quaker who thought I could be happy as a miss fan see but luckilee got my own path to follow hollow love no longer the cord is stronger and stretching toward wholeness and to quote the greatest songwriter “we’ll keep walkin’” we’ll keep walkin’.
here i am i find myself by myself and there are cords to be broken cords to be loosened cords to mend cords to stretch and the country is callin’ my mother fuckin’ name be still be still my mind and don’t even think of turning on that tv be still be still heart art of life and wait for sankofa this fall a wall to pass through new life to bear fruit root root root me in the this earth birth me roll me with the greater rhythms of life for the saturn of my soul is returning burning within me. . . i hear you! i hear You!!!!
it’s time to quake . . . it’s time to quake . . .
here i am i find myself opened up myself to a thinly veiled region and legions won’t stop this shaker this quaker who thought I could be happy as a miss fan see but luckilee got my own path to follow hollow love no longer the cord is stronger and stretching toward wholeness and to quote the greatest songwriter “we’ll keep walkin’” we’ll keep walkin’.
here i am i find myself by myself and there are cords to be broken cords to be loosened cords to mend cords to stretch and the country is callin’ my mother fuckin’ name be still be still my mind and don’t even think of turning on that tv be still be still heart art of life and wait for sankofa this fall a wall to pass through new life to bear fruit root root root me in the this earth birth me roll me with the greater rhythms of life for the saturn of my soul is returning burning within me. . . i hear you! i hear You!!!!
it’s time to quake . . . it’s time to quake . . .
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
wait for the wave
I had another relevant dream the other night. I was drowning at the bottom of a lake, trying desperately to swim to the surface. No matter how hard I tried, I couldn't swim to the top.
I then had the realization that a huge wave was coming and was going to bring me to shore. I waited for the wave and then woke up.
I then had the realization that a huge wave was coming and was going to bring me to shore. I waited for the wave and then woke up.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Spiritual/Mental/Physical
Somebody told me the other day that they thought I was making my illness more complicated than it was. That pissed me off. Partly because it offended my ego, of course. But mostly it made me mad because I’ve learned more than almost anything during this healing process, that illness is indeed so very very complicated. I believe it is always a combination of spiritual, emotional and physical when anyone ever gets sick or off balance.
But I also believe that one of my hindrances during this healing process definitely has been that I have been too focused on the physical. In the beginning, I remember that my intuition told me that something spiritual was happening, that I was changing directions in life, and that I had many lessons to learn. But then, I attempted to speed up the learning part and kept telling God, “Okay! I’ve learned all the lessons! Heal me! Now!” And when he didn’t give me the miracle that I was praying for, I got discouraged . . . and then scared . . . and then caught up all over again in the symptoms and the fear.
Just in the last month, I have become aware of a spiritual/physiological/emotional process that describes almost exactly what I’ve been going through, especially the first few months of this “illness.” I’ve gotten in touch with people to support me through the rest of the process . . .but I keep wondering, “Why didn’t You tell me about this in January, God??” A language for what was happening would have made the process so much easier and less frightening.
But I am coming to realize that the lessons that I was trying desperately to learn in the beginning, most definitely could not have been learned if I hadn’t gone THROUGH the process and not around it.
How would I have learned what my body needs nutritionally and other ways to care for myself physically if I thought this was merely a spiritual process that I was going through? How could I learn the balance of humility and trusting myself if I hadn’t had months of having to ask people for help, listening to their interpretation of what was going on, taking their advice sometimes, while at that same time holding my ground when I disagreed with them? How could I learn to individuate from important people in my life before having major disagreements with them? How could I learn to love my partner better if I don’t learn to love and accept all parts of myself? How can I expect society to accept my high sensitivity if I don’t accept it myself? And the big one . . . How can I trust God if I don’t learn to let go of fear and control????
There are many more lessons I’m learning and of course, I am not through learning them or ever will be in this lifetime. But I’m getting closer. And stronger.
I don’t want this to sound like I believe that God created this so that I could learn all this. Again, I believe the details of the circumstances that brought me to this place are extremely complicated. Was it me? Life? God? Destiny? My choices? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Probably a combination too big for my little brain to figure out.
But I do know that there are things to be learned, fears to confront and a new direction in my life that will be better fitted to how I am made. And THAT I’m excited about.
But I also believe that one of my hindrances during this healing process definitely has been that I have been too focused on the physical. In the beginning, I remember that my intuition told me that something spiritual was happening, that I was changing directions in life, and that I had many lessons to learn. But then, I attempted to speed up the learning part and kept telling God, “Okay! I’ve learned all the lessons! Heal me! Now!” And when he didn’t give me the miracle that I was praying for, I got discouraged . . . and then scared . . . and then caught up all over again in the symptoms and the fear.
Just in the last month, I have become aware of a spiritual/physiological/emotional process that describes almost exactly what I’ve been going through, especially the first few months of this “illness.” I’ve gotten in touch with people to support me through the rest of the process . . .but I keep wondering, “Why didn’t You tell me about this in January, God??” A language for what was happening would have made the process so much easier and less frightening.
But I am coming to realize that the lessons that I was trying desperately to learn in the beginning, most definitely could not have been learned if I hadn’t gone THROUGH the process and not around it.
How would I have learned what my body needs nutritionally and other ways to care for myself physically if I thought this was merely a spiritual process that I was going through? How could I learn the balance of humility and trusting myself if I hadn’t had months of having to ask people for help, listening to their interpretation of what was going on, taking their advice sometimes, while at that same time holding my ground when I disagreed with them? How could I learn to individuate from important people in my life before having major disagreements with them? How could I learn to love my partner better if I don’t learn to love and accept all parts of myself? How can I expect society to accept my high sensitivity if I don’t accept it myself? And the big one . . . How can I trust God if I don’t learn to let go of fear and control????
There are many more lessons I’m learning and of course, I am not through learning them or ever will be in this lifetime. But I’m getting closer. And stronger.
I don’t want this to sound like I believe that God created this so that I could learn all this. Again, I believe the details of the circumstances that brought me to this place are extremely complicated. Was it me? Life? God? Destiny? My choices? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Probably a combination too big for my little brain to figure out.
But I do know that there are things to be learned, fears to confront and a new direction in my life that will be better fitted to how I am made. And THAT I’m excited about.
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
no thanks
After visiting a doctor a few days ago and being offered some medicine that I didn't want to take for various reasons, I had this dream:
I was riding my bike down a long road, but didn't know where I was or where I was going. Along the way, there was a pit stop where I decided to stop. Someone there was serving soda from a drinking fountain and offered me some. I said no thanks, and went along on my way.
Thank you cocky, close-minded, labeling, but good-intentioned Doctor for reminding me that western doctors are horrible at treating hard-to-diagnose, complicated illnesses. Thank you for forcing me to get my anxiety in check through my own means.
And . . . thank you for getting me in touch with a part of me that desperately needed to come out at this time. Remember the little girl who rallied for playground swings in the third grade? Remember the college student that stood on a couch leading a crowd in protest chants at the president of the university's symposium? Well she's back. And there's no way in hell she's drinking your soda when she's got access to all the water she needs.
I was riding my bike down a long road, but didn't know where I was or where I was going. Along the way, there was a pit stop where I decided to stop. Someone there was serving soda from a drinking fountain and offered me some. I said no thanks, and went along on my way.
Thank you cocky, close-minded, labeling, but good-intentioned Doctor for reminding me that western doctors are horrible at treating hard-to-diagnose, complicated illnesses. Thank you for forcing me to get my anxiety in check through my own means.
And . . . thank you for getting me in touch with a part of me that desperately needed to come out at this time. Remember the little girl who rallied for playground swings in the third grade? Remember the college student that stood on a couch leading a crowd in protest chants at the president of the university's symposium? Well she's back. And there's no way in hell she's drinking your soda when she's got access to all the water she needs.
Tuesday, April 21, 2009
I'm innocent
I had a dream a few nights ago that I had to go to a juvenile facility for two years for something I didn't do. In the dream, I kept trying to run away and hide from the authorities. I knew I was innocent. There was an orientation day for our last day of freedom before I was to enter the facility. My mom was there, and I had to give her my cat to take care of for the two years. But I decided to try to run away one more time with my cat. I told my mom, I might as well try. I drove off in a car but this man who worked at the facility came and found me. He was really nice, and I thought having a relationship with him would help get me through, but I was terrified of being locked in my room and not being able to get out. Then I started asking questions about what it would be like to live in the facility, like the size of the room and how often I would be let out of my room. Talking with him, I knew I had to do it even though I hadn't done anything wrong.
Then I woke up.
My health has been up and down, which has been very confusing. But I'm at the point where trying to live a stress-free life and eating nutritionally is not getting me better. I'm going to try and seek outside help again through western medicine and through alternative medicine. I'm not looking forward to the journey of trying to figure out what's wrong. I'm definitely not looking forward to trial and error. I'm scared. I don't know if I have the strength to go through this. I am really hoping for a miracle.
Then I woke up.
My health has been up and down, which has been very confusing. But I'm at the point where trying to live a stress-free life and eating nutritionally is not getting me better. I'm going to try and seek outside help again through western medicine and through alternative medicine. I'm not looking forward to the journey of trying to figure out what's wrong. I'm definitely not looking forward to trial and error. I'm scared. I don't know if I have the strength to go through this. I am really hoping for a miracle.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
sleep talking
My partner, Dan, talks in his sleep. Because I'm a light sleeper, sometimes I wake up, ask him questions and write down what he answers so we can laugh about it the next day. He never remembers anything.
This is our conversation from last night:
Dan- (angrily) "I'm so sick of this shit."
(pause)
Dan- (sighs) "I don't know WHAT to do."
(a few seconds later)
Me- (looking for a clue on my healing journey) "Dan, what's the cure?"
Dan- "Out and about."
Me- "What?"
Dan- "Out and about."
Me- "What do you mean?"
Dan- "That's where the opening of the light is."
Me- "Where?"
Dan- "Oh .. . in the Mission." (a neighborhood in San Francisco)
This is our conversation from last night:
Dan- (angrily) "I'm so sick of this shit."
(pause)
Dan- (sighs) "I don't know WHAT to do."
(a few seconds later)
Me- (looking for a clue on my healing journey) "Dan, what's the cure?"
Dan- "Out and about."
Me- "What?"
Dan- "Out and about."
Me- "What do you mean?"
Dan- "That's where the opening of the light is."
Me- "Where?"
Dan- "Oh .. . in the Mission." (a neighborhood in San Francisco)
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
electrolytes
Speaking of moment to moment graces. God gave me a HUGE clue in the healing journey last night. I woke up in the middle of the night dizzy after dreaming about water. So I went to the kitchen and poured myself some water. I laid back in bed and as I was drifting off to sleep, I heard (or thought) the word "electrolytes!" Electrolytes? What is an electrolyte? It sounded familiar from like 7th grade science class, but I seriously had no idea what an electrolyte was! I immediately got up and wikipedia-ed it. I won't bore you with details about it, but I learned that a deficiency in it can cause muscle problems (one of my main complaints) and it told me how to regain them.
I went back to bed excited about another piece of the puzzle! Glory to God!
I went back to bed excited about another piece of the puzzle! Glory to God!
Monday, March 9, 2009
balance and waiting
Did I tell you I had a sensitive body? Hmm . . . maybe you're getting that. Well I most definitely do. To the extreme. And I'm slowly learning to accept it and work with it. This is SO hard. Sometimes I feel like I'm running around in circles trying to please my body. "You want serotonin? Here you go. Too much? Sorry. Oh more now? What about protein? You want protein? Here you go. Too much?" Okay you get the point.
I want a magic solution so bad that I go overboard when I come to a realization of what my body needs. . . When all my body really wants is BALANCE.
And it's hard, very hard to not feel abandoned by God during this healing journey even though there are many many ways that God has shown me that God is right here with me. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with my current situation, it's hard to think about God knowing exactly what I need and not telling me or not fixing it right away.
This is where WAITING needs to happen and PATIENCE and FAITH and TRUST. Waiting for God's moment to moment graces, believing that God will give me everything I need in every moment. Wow- if I can master that lesson what an easy life this would be! ha.
I want a magic solution so bad that I go overboard when I come to a realization of what my body needs. . . When all my body really wants is BALANCE.
And it's hard, very hard to not feel abandoned by God during this healing journey even though there are many many ways that God has shown me that God is right here with me. But when I'm feeling overwhelmed and frustrated with my current situation, it's hard to think about God knowing exactly what I need and not telling me or not fixing it right away.
This is where WAITING needs to happen and PATIENCE and FAITH and TRUST. Waiting for God's moment to moment graces, believing that God will give me everything I need in every moment. Wow- if I can master that lesson what an easy life this would be! ha.
Sunday, March 8, 2009
be careful what you pray for
I'm sure there are many many things that brought me to this rest and recovery time. But today, I remembered two things I prayed for at the end of last year. One prayer was, "God- help me to walk the Earth like I'm supposed to walk the Earth." It was in regard to the body work I was doing with my chiropractors. There were some places that were getting stuck and were not unwinding, and I didn't know why since I go to my chiropractor's weekly. Now I realize that some emotional work (major emotional work) needs to be done before I can move past those stuck places.
Also realizing that I am getting closer and closer to the age where I would like to have kids, I started getting extremely fearful last November and December about it. I was thoroughly enjoying my time of stability and was scared that pregnancy, birth, and a new child would throw me off balance. I remember praying, "God- prepare me for having children." And what better way to prepare me for child birth, than . . . you guessed it- more emotional work!
Yay.
Also realizing that I am getting closer and closer to the age where I would like to have kids, I started getting extremely fearful last November and December about it. I was thoroughly enjoying my time of stability and was scared that pregnancy, birth, and a new child would throw me off balance. I remember praying, "God- prepare me for having children." And what better way to prepare me for child birth, than . . . you guessed it- more emotional work!
Yay.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
venture to the rose garden
Today around 4:00 I felt the urge to walk to the rose garden. It looked like it was going to start raining again so I’m not sure why I heard a voice tell me, “Go to the rose garden!” But the voice was persistent, so I layered on my clothes, grabbed my umbrella, and ventured to the neighborhood garden.
To my delight, two huge and handsome wild turkeys met me at the entrance! They had shiny feathered coats and were eating some peanuts someone had thrown at the base of a tree. I said hello and watched them eat from no more than five feet away. I told them they had little heads and big bodies. They told me I looked funny too, especially with a big black thing above my head. I told them it was an umbrella and they asked what it was for. I told them to keep the rain off me of course! They looked at me, and shook their feathers, showing me that the rain just slides right off THEIR shiny rainbow coats. I told them I was not so lucky to be born with feathers. They looked at me with pity. I quickly changed the subject to that of the peanuts they were eating and how they looked like they tasted good. They agreed that they were delicious, and all three of us seemed relieved to find something we all could relate to.
So anyways, thanks for the nudging, Spirit.
To my delight, two huge and handsome wild turkeys met me at the entrance! They had shiny feathered coats and were eating some peanuts someone had thrown at the base of a tree. I said hello and watched them eat from no more than five feet away. I told them they had little heads and big bodies. They told me I looked funny too, especially with a big black thing above my head. I told them it was an umbrella and they asked what it was for. I told them to keep the rain off me of course! They looked at me, and shook their feathers, showing me that the rain just slides right off THEIR shiny rainbow coats. I told them I was not so lucky to be born with feathers. They looked at me with pity. I quickly changed the subject to that of the peanuts they were eating and how they looked like they tasted good. They agreed that they were delicious, and all three of us seemed relieved to find something we all could relate to.
So anyways, thanks for the nudging, Spirit.
Monday, March 2, 2009
listen
Sloooowing doooown . . . living in the moment . . . listening . . . and appreciating the “mundane”. These are some of the positive things that are being revived in my life right now.
When I was at my job, I could not enjoy cooking. I was hungry when I came home from work and would normally throw together one of my boring “regulars.” Now during the day, I think about, “what am I going to cook for dinner?” And I have time to be creative, flip through recipe books, and learn new meals. And as long as I start cooking earlier so I’m not starving, I can slow down the cooking process and actually enjoy it. I used to think, “I’m-so-hungry-and tired-I can’t-wait-until-I’m-done-cooking-so-I-can-sit-in-front of-the-TV-and-eat-this-food!” Now I think, “I am . . . cutting this carrot. . . What a beautiful carrot! . . . .Now I am . . . . chopping this zucchini. . .What a beautiful zucchini!”
I like getting to know this new way of being. I have time during the day to think about people I love and wonder what they’re doing. Last Monday, my chiropractors came into my mind and I started praying for them. I thought to myself, “They’re in labor right now. They’re having their baby,” and so I started prayed harder. A few days later I found out, that I was right; they had their baby on the exact day I was praying for them.
My energy worker thinks that ESP is going to be used a lot more in the very near future. Whether you call it Intuition, ESP, or the Holy Spirit, it’s nice to have time to listen.
When I was at my job, I could not enjoy cooking. I was hungry when I came home from work and would normally throw together one of my boring “regulars.” Now during the day, I think about, “what am I going to cook for dinner?” And I have time to be creative, flip through recipe books, and learn new meals. And as long as I start cooking earlier so I’m not starving, I can slow down the cooking process and actually enjoy it. I used to think, “I’m-so-hungry-and tired-I can’t-wait-until-I’m-done-cooking-so-I-can-sit-in-front of-the-TV-and-eat-this-food!” Now I think, “I am . . . cutting this carrot. . . What a beautiful carrot! . . . .Now I am . . . . chopping this zucchini. . .What a beautiful zucchini!”
I like getting to know this new way of being. I have time during the day to think about people I love and wonder what they’re doing. Last Monday, my chiropractors came into my mind and I started praying for them. I thought to myself, “They’re in labor right now. They’re having their baby,” and so I started prayed harder. A few days later I found out, that I was right; they had their baby on the exact day I was praying for them.
My energy worker thinks that ESP is going to be used a lot more in the very near future. Whether you call it Intuition, ESP, or the Holy Spirit, it’s nice to have time to listen.
Sunday, March 1, 2009
What do I do?
Man, have I ever had a job that I’ve thrived at? This last one came the closest. I loved my clients to death and appreciated the relative amount of autonomy that I had. But apparently, that wasn’t enough to sustain me.
I know other 20 and 30-somethings that just keep going back to school because that’s what they’re good at. I don’t really want to go back to school. I was good at it. But I don’t love it like some people do. But shit, this job thing is HARD!
I’m reading “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. It talks about how 15-20% of the population are “Highly Sensitive People” which means our nervous systems are more sensitive to subtleties. Our sight, hearing, and sense of smell are not necessarily keener, although they may be (mine are), but our brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. And unfortunately it also means that we tend to be more easily overstimulated, stressed out, overwhelmed. The trait is not something new--it has been mislabeled as shyness, introversion (30% of HSPs are extroverts like me though), inhibitedness, and fearfulness.
This has been extremely helpful for me during this time to better understand myself, allow myself more empathy and acceptance, and learn how to live in this world as an HSP. I’ve had the book awhile now and have read parts of it. But for some reason, I have not managed to fully accept myself as being this way, and I believe that this could be one of the main reasons I am sick right now. Dr. Aron talks about how difficult it is for HSPs to find a job that fits them. We tend to enter into the helping professions and then feel very overwhelmed. Hmmm… sounds familiar.
I’m not ready to give up social work yet. I can imagine myself having a private practice someday, seeing one client at a time and being in charge of my own schedule. But until I’m old and wise and people want to come to me, what do I do???
http://www.hsperson.com/
I know other 20 and 30-somethings that just keep going back to school because that’s what they’re good at. I don’t really want to go back to school. I was good at it. But I don’t love it like some people do. But shit, this job thing is HARD!
I’m reading “The Highly Sensitive Person” by Elaine Aron. It talks about how 15-20% of the population are “Highly Sensitive People” which means our nervous systems are more sensitive to subtleties. Our sight, hearing, and sense of smell are not necessarily keener, although they may be (mine are), but our brain processes information and reflects on it more deeply. And unfortunately it also means that we tend to be more easily overstimulated, stressed out, overwhelmed. The trait is not something new--it has been mislabeled as shyness, introversion (30% of HSPs are extroverts like me though), inhibitedness, and fearfulness.
This has been extremely helpful for me during this time to better understand myself, allow myself more empathy and acceptance, and learn how to live in this world as an HSP. I’ve had the book awhile now and have read parts of it. But for some reason, I have not managed to fully accept myself as being this way, and I believe that this could be one of the main reasons I am sick right now. Dr. Aron talks about how difficult it is for HSPs to find a job that fits them. We tend to enter into the helping professions and then feel very overwhelmed. Hmmm… sounds familiar.
I’m not ready to give up social work yet. I can imagine myself having a private practice someday, seeing one client at a time and being in charge of my own schedule. But until I’m old and wise and people want to come to me, what do I do???
http://www.hsperson.com/
Friday, February 20, 2009
What happened?
Where do I start? There is too much to write. Here is an extremely abbreviated version of where I am in my life right now. I moved to California from the Midwest with my partner almost three years ago after getting my master’s in Social Work. I have a history of having difficulty with transitions and this was no exception. I got a horribly stressful social work job in San Francisco where I drove around the city all day visiting clients. I lasted no more than 3 months before I had a physical, mental and spiritual breakdown (or “learning experience” since I’m making an effort to use more positive language). I was out of work for 4 months recovering. I then got a part time job and another part time job and did okay with those. Then last March, almost a year ago, I got a full time job again, this time working with foster care youth. Ten months later, another “learning experience,” and here I am, out of work again, recovering.
The economy is a mess. The money from my partner’s job is not enough to cover rent and bills and food. And I am left wondering . . . .What happened???
The economy is a mess. The money from my partner’s job is not enough to cover rent and bills and food. And I am left wondering . . . .What happened???
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