nannying is really hard. and really complicated. spending that much time with a little one and then having no say on anything and not being able to control what happens when i leave really sucks. i worry about the future too. will i still be in touch with him after i stop working for them someday? will his mom continue to try to fill her needs through him? will she stop trying to check off her fucking to-do list and spend enough time with him? will his parents fight and yell in front of him? I know i'm going to have my own weird issues with my kids, use them to try to fulfill my own needs sometimes, and not always empathize with them. but it's still hard to watch it from the outside. it's hard to see a grown adult whine that her son doesn't say mama, doesn't look at her when she wants him too (he's ten months old!), or doesn't care when she leaves a room. stop whining and put some time in!
she's not the worst mom- i've heard much worse horror stories from fellow nannies. i know she loves him . . .and i know it's a cycle and his mom's own mom didn't empathize with her...blah blah blah. but it's still really hard to watch.
and then there's the cat. she's horrible with her. again does not empathize with her. the poor cat has PTSD, and this woman acts like the cat is out to get her when she "misbehaves." it's a fucking cat. their emotional intelligence is the same as a toddler, so if they're not getting their needs met, they're going to fucking act out.
it's changed since i've been there. it's a little better now. i'm not pretending that i try not influence her. even though that sounds pretentious and judgmental. i don't care. i do try. you know how people pretend to know what a baby or animal is thinking and talk like they are them? and it's really annoying? i do that now. in attempt to get her to walk in their shoes .. . if only just for a minute.
meanwhile, i'll rant when i need to, give the little beings all the love I can when I'm with them, and light a candle when I'm gone, trusting that the same God that created this amazing universe that takes care of me, will also give them what they need moment by moment. this is also my prayer.
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Pleiades
I had the most incredible few days last weekend with the most amazing friends. Brenda flew up from LA, and Heidi dug herself out of snowmageddon in Chicago to celebrate my 30th. On Saturday, the three of us, and four of my other close girlfriends, spent the day in Pacifica (one of my very favorite places in the world!). It was a magical day that started out with a photo shoot on the beach (of course!) and then a hike up to the top of the cliff overlooking the ocean. Then Jessica, who was hosting the celebration, lead us in a “letting go” ritual where we wrote down things we no longer wanted in our lives and burned them in a fire pit on the beach. Heidi then lead us in another ritual after reading the following excerpt to us from “The Pine Island Paradox” by Kathleen Dean Moore:
"But in this greening place of ashes and springs, I began to understand that time cannot move in a circle, coming again to where it was before. Time sweeps in spiral, going round and round again—the cycles of the seasons, the flow of the cold springs, the growth of a forest or a child, but never returns to the same place. And we who love this world will tremble with the beauty of the spiral that has brought us here and the mystery of the spiral that will carry us away."
With our feet, we each created a section of a huge spiral in the sand. At the end, the sun was setting and I stood in the center of the spiral looking around at all these amazing women looking back at me. They all have known me throughout so many cycles of my life and watched me change, grow, and then return to a different place, just like Moore describes. And I have seen them do the same.
After the beach rituals, we went to Jessica’s house. Some of us cooked a scrumptious dinner of broccoli and spinach quiche, quinoa, and salad while the rest of us helped by dancing to Prince, Missy Elliott and MIA. While we ate, I talked about what I was grateful for, including why I was thankful for each one of them. Then we participated in one last ritual that Jessica led, planting our intentions for the future.
Finally, it was time for the hot tub! While the seven of us soaked in our birthday suits, I looked up at the starry sky, pointed to the first cluster that I saw, and asked what constellation it was. Tessa exclaimed, "It's Pleiades! Also, known as the Seven Sisters!" I've never had an interest in constellations before. I have no idea what lead me to ask that question. Oh, universe!
I was hoping that the day would not just be about my birthday, but a time where my friends could reflect on their own goals, gratitude, and intentions while also bonding and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Meghan said at one point, "I've experienced more relationship building with you guys in the last seven hours than I have with other friends over several years!"
The day was bigger than me, and I am grateful.
"But in this greening place of ashes and springs, I began to understand that time cannot move in a circle, coming again to where it was before. Time sweeps in spiral, going round and round again—the cycles of the seasons, the flow of the cold springs, the growth of a forest or a child, but never returns to the same place. And we who love this world will tremble with the beauty of the spiral that has brought us here and the mystery of the spiral that will carry us away."
With our feet, we each created a section of a huge spiral in the sand. At the end, the sun was setting and I stood in the center of the spiral looking around at all these amazing women looking back at me. They all have known me throughout so many cycles of my life and watched me change, grow, and then return to a different place, just like Moore describes. And I have seen them do the same.
After the beach rituals, we went to Jessica’s house. Some of us cooked a scrumptious dinner of broccoli and spinach quiche, quinoa, and salad while the rest of us helped by dancing to Prince, Missy Elliott and MIA. While we ate, I talked about what I was grateful for, including why I was thankful for each one of them. Then we participated in one last ritual that Jessica led, planting our intentions for the future.
Finally, it was time for the hot tub! While the seven of us soaked in our birthday suits, I looked up at the starry sky, pointed to the first cluster that I saw, and asked what constellation it was. Tessa exclaimed, "It's Pleiades! Also, known as the Seven Sisters!" I've never had an interest in constellations before. I have no idea what lead me to ask that question. Oh, universe!
I was hoping that the day would not just be about my birthday, but a time where my friends could reflect on their own goals, gratitude, and intentions while also bonding and getting to know each other on a deeper level. Meghan said at one point, "I've experienced more relationship building with you guys in the last seven hours than I have with other friends over several years!"
The day was bigger than me, and I am grateful.
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