Saturn Returned

Last year when I was really going through it, I would explain the chaos that was happening in my life and people would ask, "how old are you?" I'd tell them, and they would nod knowingly, "Oh it's your Saturn Return!" Seriously this happened several different times. (Only in the Bay Area. I know.) I had never heard of the concept, but when I started reading about it, it resonated so deeply, I couldn't believe it.

Here is an excerpt from Wikipedia. I really like how it sums it up:



The Saturn Return is an astrological phenomenon that occurs at the ages of 27-30, 58-60, 86-88, etc., coinciding with the time it takes the planet Saturn to make one orbit around the sun. It is believed by astrologers that as Saturn "returns" to the degree in which it occupied at the time of birth—approximately every 29.5 years—a person crosses over a major threshold and into the next stage of life. With the first Saturn Return, a person leaves youth behind and enters adulthood. With the second Return, maturity. And the third and usually final Return, a person enters wise old age.

The first Saturn Return is famous because it represents the first test of character and the structures a person has built their life upon. According to traditions, should these structures be unsound, or if a person is living out of touch with his or her true values, the Saturn Return will be a time of upheaval and limitations as Saturn forces him or her to jettison old concepts and worn out patterns of living. It is not uncommon for relationships and jobs to end during this time of life restructuring and reevaluation.

But the Saturn Return is not all about painful endings. During this time astrologers note that goals are consolidated and people tend to gain a better vision of where they are going in life. There are added responsibilities and a person may reap the rewards from his or her hard work. Many major life milestones seem to happen around the ages of 29 and 30. This is why astrologers believe that the thirtieth birthday is such a major rite of passage because it marks the true beginning of adulthood, self-evaluation, independence, ambition, and self-actualization.



Like the excerpt says, I believe I was not living out all of my values and that many of the structures I had built my life on, were not making my life or my health sustainable. There are many examples, but one of the main ones involved not living out my values through my career.

At the social work agency where I was working, there was so much injustice, it was overwhelming. The injustices that had been done to my teenage clients by their parents, the systemic injustices of capitalism and racism, etc., and the injustices that we at the agency were carrying out, like repeat abandonment, racism, hypocrisy, and all and all, setting the children up to fail.

I have always been an idealist, and I apparently could not thrive in a system that is THAT inherently flawed. I literally did not have the energy to try and make change even at the agency level. My time was filled up by keeping my clients and myself afloat and the OVERWHELMING amount of paperwork we had to give to the government in order to get money from them. It was suffocating.

I did the best I could, but I had to get out. My mind did not know this. But my body sure as hell did.

Sometimes labels can be very helpful. Knowing about the Saturn Return phenomena made me feel less alone. It assured me that this was just an era and that there would be an ending point.

I would later find out (and am still finding out), that I was made to do something else. Something that is, in fact, in line with my values, something where I could still fight for justice but not in a setting that was so overwhelming, something that supports others while at the same time supports myself, my health, and is in line with who I was made to be.

my talking body

My body has a lot to say. I'm still learning from it. I'm sure it has even more to say, but these a few of things it has wanted me to do so far:

quit my job
leave social work
go to school to become a healer
stay hydrated and keep my electrolytes in balance!
get the right amount of nutrients
learn what it does and doesn't like to digest
eat fish
take naps!
find a different network chiropractor
breathe
go to a craniosacral therapist regularly
spend hella more time in silence, praying, meditating, and unwinding
find chill work while going to school
learn to work with my energy, kundalini and others
not listen to my mind as much
get the right amount of sunshine
spend more time in nature
dance!


Man, bodies are so intelligent.

summer and babies

Oops. . . It's been awhile. It's been a lovely summer. We've gotten to do a lot of traveling around the area- Big Sur, Davis, Napa and Santa Cruz. I definitely was not feeling up for any traveling last year so am very thankful for these trips. We've also been barbecuing, taking our hammock to Dolores Park, getting ready to release Dan's album, and bumming around the neighborhood.

Work-wise, my gig with the 5 year old ended in July, and thanks to God and the Universe for looking out for me (as always), I quickly got a new gig watching an adorable baby boy who lives right across the street. He was 3 months when I started and is now almost 6 months. I am learning so much about babies . . . It's like taking a class, and he is my lab! It's fun to watch him grow and change from week to week. If Dan and I decide to adopt, I now know how incredibly easy it will be to fall in love with an adopted baby. I looked down at this little guy the second week and was like, "I LOOOOOVE you!!!" I'm with him Tuesday through Thursday and definitely miss him the other 4 days of the week.

It will be an exciting, extremely fulfilling, and difficult era when Dan and I have kids. I look forward to it and fear it at the same time. But we both are sure it's not the time yet. So here's to this baby-less era full of self-discovery, self-growth, date nights, quiet evenings, a clean house, spit-up-free clothes, a ton of free-time, fun with friends and late night FDB shows! (Not that we won't have some of those things with kids, but probably a lot lot less.)

And also meanwhile, we are rejoicing in the growing babies of our friends and family- some in the womb and some already out! Woo hoo!! I'm going to be an auntie!!!

#3- Quaker Service

I've been wanting to visit a Quaker service for a long time now. Their value for listening to God through silence is also a strong value of mine. I also have several Quaker ancestors, including William Penn, a well-known Quaker and the founder of Pennsylvania.

I got there in time to attend the pre-service introduction for visitors. The man leading the intro explained to me and two other women about the service. It was pretty simple- we would sit in silence for one hour and only speak out loud if lead by the Holy Spirit to share something with the congregation. The service would end when the leading deacon shook hands with the person next to him.

The man asked the three of us what had brought us to here today. I couldn't help but inform him that I was the great great great great great great great grand niece of William Penn. (Where else could I ever brag about something like that?) And he was indeed impressed. ;)

The service was held in a simple room with concrete floors, fluorescent lights, and chairs set in a circle. The service began, and I sat in silence with about 50 other people, mostly caucasian, a variety of ages. Three people spoke that morning during the hour of silence, mostly about something they read earlier in the week and the insight they gained from it.

Overall, it seemed like a very nice, thoughtful group of people. I might go back again sometime because a few people mentioned that every service was different, which makes sense, since different people would be lead to share different things each time.

I was not particularly drawn to it though. I missed spoken prayers, songs and dancing. I also realized how important an inspiring worship environment is to me. Although I don't need a fancy cathedral and I respect the Quakers value for simplicity, I do appreciate something beautiful to meditate on.