Somebody told me the other day that they thought I was making my illness more complicated than it was. That pissed me off. Partly because it offended my ego, of course. But mostly it made me mad because I’ve learned more than almost anything during this healing process, that illness is indeed so very very complicated. I believe it is always a combination of spiritual, emotional and physical when anyone ever gets sick or off balance.
But I also believe that one of my hindrances during this healing process definitely has been that I have been too focused on the physical. In the beginning, I remember that my intuition told me that something spiritual was happening, that I was changing directions in life, and that I had many lessons to learn. But then, I attempted to speed up the learning part and kept telling God, “Okay! I’ve learned all the lessons! Heal me! Now!” And when he didn’t give me the miracle that I was praying for, I got discouraged . . . and then scared . . . and then caught up all over again in the symptoms and the fear.
Just in the last month, I have become aware of a spiritual/physiological/emotional process that describes almost exactly what I’ve been going through, especially the first few months of this “illness.” I’ve gotten in touch with people to support me through the rest of the process . . .but I keep wondering, “Why didn’t You tell me about this in January, God??” A language for what was happening would have made the process so much easier and less frightening.
But I am coming to realize that the lessons that I was trying desperately to learn in the beginning, most definitely could not have been learned if I hadn’t gone THROUGH the process and not around it.
How would I have learned what my body needs nutritionally and other ways to care for myself physically if I thought this was merely a spiritual process that I was going through? How could I learn the balance of humility and trusting myself if I hadn’t had months of having to ask people for help, listening to their interpretation of what was going on, taking their advice sometimes, while at that same time holding my ground when I disagreed with them? How could I learn to individuate from important people in my life before having major disagreements with them? How could I learn to love my partner better if I don’t learn to love and accept all parts of myself? How can I expect society to accept my high sensitivity if I don’t accept it myself? And the big one . . . How can I trust God if I don’t learn to let go of fear and control????
There are many more lessons I’m learning and of course, I am not through learning them or ever will be in this lifetime. But I’m getting closer. And stronger.
I don’t want this to sound like I believe that God created this so that I could learn all this. Again, I believe the details of the circumstances that brought me to this place are extremely complicated. Was it me? Life? God? Destiny? My choices? Physical? Mental? Spiritual? Probably a combination too big for my little brain to figure out.
But I do know that there are things to be learned, fears to confront and a new direction in my life that will be better fitted to how I am made. And THAT I’m excited about.
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