flying is weird

So I was a little nervous about riding the plane to the midwest. I was trying my best to prepare myself mentally. My overly-ambitious goal was to miraculously never be afraid of riding a plane again after this trip! My main issue is claustrophobia, and I constantly try to decide whether to get on the plane or not while at the airport. And even when I’m on the plane on the runway, I’m trying to decide whether to just sit there or whether I should jump up and start screaming, "Let me off this fucking plane!!"

So this time, I decided to make the decision to get on the plane and stay on the plane ahead of time. Trying to decide whether to ride or not is pretty dang anxiety provoking as you can imagine. So that part worked! The day of the flight, I told myself I was choosing to get on the plane no matter how afraid I was feeling. Nobody was forcing me to get on the plane. But there was a part of me that believed it would be okay and that part of me had already chosen to get on no matter what. (Cognitive-behavioral therapy with a dash of internal family systems, I think??) I walked on the plane without wondering if it was the right thing to do, and I wasn't too nervous about it!

However, it ended up to be a pretty uncomfortable flight. It was a non-stop red-eye, and I didn't sleep the whole way. (Dan did, of course.) I was feeling pretty symptomatic (migrainey, etc.) and fought anxiety on and off the whole time. Toward the end of a flight, a toddler was screaming at the top of his lungs, “I WANT THIS PLANE TO LAAAAAAND!!!!” It was awesome. Being a kid, he was probably soaking up all our collective anxiety, and I was so relieved somebody was expressing it!

But then we were there. I was relieved and happy and in the arms of Heidi-lou. But there was also a part of me still disappointed that it wasn't the miraculous fear-free flight that I was hoping for.

The flights back were slightly less uncomfortable. And I found myself again committed to getting on the flights no matter how afraid or uncomfortable I felt. We flew during the day and stopped halfway in Colorado which helped.

Now I’m back in SF, on the ground, not flying in some sort of weird contraption in the air having no freakin’ clue to the physics (?) of why it can fly . . .and I feel pretty satisfied at how it went. Just like it was easier on the flights back, I have hope that each flight will get less and less difficult. And I decided that baby steps toward a miracle are miraculous in themselves.