Lately I've been thinking a lot about the phrase I don't know. I met a little 3 1/2 year old the other day who was really good at saying I don't know, which I was really impressed with! 3 year olds are of course good at saying "no," but I've mostly been around toddlers who will either stare blankly at me if they don't the answer to something or will bullshit and make up some wild and entertaining answer.
But this little girl was very bright and if she did know the answer to my questions, she would tell me in long, clear sentences. But if she didn't know, she confidently stated, "I don't know."
This really stuck out in my mind . . .because I am one of those people, like a lot of humans, that wants to know!! It gives me a false sense of control in this crazy life on planet Earth. But after hanging out with this little bold toddler, I've been making it my intention to make I don't know a central part of my internal and external dialogue. . . to keep me from projecting and guessing, to keep me from worry about the future, to keep me from attempting to control the world around me by thinking about and analyzing something to death. And hopefully to encourage some letting go and letting God in, to cultivate more trust in God and in God's big weird, creative plan for the Universe.
So let's try to make room for some I don't knows in prayer time today. . . .. .
Some of my I don't knows lately:
I don't know when or if I'll get pregnant.
I don't know if I'm pregnant now.
I don't know what is going on in my body. Ever!
I don't know when my Aunt Lisa will die. I don't know what she needs. I don't know how her husband and kids will cope if she dies soon.
I don't know what is going on in my brother's brain. I don't know what he's going through or what he needs or if/when he'll get better.
I don't know how E will do in Colorado or how he'll grow up or how long he'll remember me for.
I don't know how V will adjust to preschool or her new little brother.
I don't know how long I'll work with this family.
I don't know how long we'll live in this apartment.
I don't know if Dan will come home alive from tour (well, I don't!).
I don't know how many kids we'll have, if any. I don't know their genders or their names or what they will be like or what parenting will be like.
I don't know what will happen to the U.S., what the cultural/political/social climate or economy will look like over the years. I don't know how to help it.
I don't know how long we'll keep polluting and allowing all these toxins into our lives. I don't know how it's affecting our bodies or how it will affect the bodies of family.
If I read the above statements when I'm in a controlly mood, it can seem stressful and overwhelming, but if I state them with a letting go and trusting God sort of energy, it's very freeing. I don't have to hold anything at all!! I hold nothing. Everything is SO out of my control, there is nothing I can do but stay open to the Spirit and do my tiny part to allow the work of the creative Creator to come in to my life and the lives of the ones I love and do what the Spirit will do. I don't know the bigger picture. I don't know the good that can come out of the suffering. I don't know God's timing that weaves together the greatest story ever told. I don't know. I don't know. I trust. I trust.
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